Don’t check it…
I stuff my hand under the pillow and bring it out, unlock it, and find only a notification that my Dad has messaged me.
There is still time.
Konnor will change his mind. He’ll tell me about the remaining supplies, surely. I’m invested now… Did he find a culinary way to use toilet paper?
I collapse deeper into the mattress. My throat tightens, which isn’t fair at all. I chose this separation to let the riot in my mind calm down because looking at my situation with cleareyes is impossible when they’re hazy and loved-up by Konnor’s stunning, intoxicating presence.
I check my phone again, holding it in the air above me, but nothing has changed in the last five seconds, so I study the message thread in case notifications aren’t working…
Nope.
Ugh.
This is like checking a wound to see if it's still bleeding, then you scratch at it for no good reason at all so that it does. With a sigh, I swipe to the message from Dad, and my breath catches, and my mind stills.
Dad: They're titrating Erik’s drugs down.
That means— Erik will wake up soon, and that feels like running out of time. When he wakes up, I have to decide what this feeling is, whether I want it, whether I can live without it, whether I can be accountable and own the events.
Is he a villain?
I stare at the ceiling again, a plain white surface I have become quite familiar with. My heart races—and is going literally nowhere. So, I stand up and walk to the corner of the room, lying down on the carpet with my feet on the wall.
“What are you—” Elise yawns. “Doing?”
“Stretching.”
“Right…” She slides from her mattress and wanders barefoot over to me, rubbing her eyes and smacking her lips. “We dothisnow. Cool.”
Elise joins me on the floor, our feet up on the wall, heels pressed against the brick. The dormitory is quiet at this time of morning, not filled with its usual muffled chatter and giggles. We haven't spoken about Erik. I think she's been waiting for me to bring him up.
"My dad messaged.” I turn my face to look at her profile. "They are titrating Erik’s drugs down which means he'll wake up soon, which means he’ll… want to talk.”
She blinks ahead then returns my gaze. Pushing a stray blonde hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ear, she suddenly sets her 'serious Elise' face. "And what will you do when he wakes up and wants to talk?”
The answer to that question comes with so many strings, most knotted around others. “He's my father's only biological child. They both love me—Erik in a way he… He shouldn't. That doesn't change the truth that he does, in fact, love me.” Ifeelher disapproval harder than I see it flick across her expression. “He never meant to hurt me, Elise.”
"What did he mean to do then?"
"He lost control."
“So…” Her eyes bounce around nervously as she finds the right words. “You weren’t surprised.”
“I was.” I close my eyes and say, “I always am. Every time it happens.”
She tries to stifle her little gasp. “You’re lovers.” It wasn’t a question.
Shaking my head, I open my eyes to her face. A face I trust. Maybe… the first safe relationship I have ever had. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“Then…”
The truth churns in my stomach. “You have to understand, we werebothkids when it started, and I didn’t say no.” Tears bite at my eyes. “My body liked it.”
Four words that feel like ice in my veins.
My body liked it.
