Heidi and I ran up to the top deck, which had been transformed into a palace, with gilt-framed portraits hanging on strings and a gold carpet leading up to the stage. A chandelier twinkled from the ceiling and there were candelabras on every table. Barbie Queue sat on a throne of sausages with her eyes closed as everyone took their seats. We were the last in and I spied Leo and Zach at the very front, sitting either side of Brooke.
‘Sorry, sorry. Excuse me, sorry.’ Heidi and I squidged through the maze of chairs, knocking into every single person on the way.
‘Just in time, gals,’ Brooke said, with a bright smile, as we took our seats.
Zach held up a bottle of champagne and we both nodded as the pianist plinky-plonked a pub-style intro to ‘Dancing Queen’ and it was a relief to be in and settled before the show started. The five of us cheers-ed then sat back to enjoy the show. Leo looked relaxed in his Pink Floyd T-shirt and tailored jacket, smashing his image as‘PR man on cruise’ while Zach was giving out Oscar the Grouch in sage green.
There was the ting of a triangle and Barbie Queue opened her eyes, smiling broadly before she stood up and twerked into the audience, showing us all her bloomers, then launched into the song.
‘Who fancies a dance?’ Barbie Queue shouted and everyone cheered. The waiting staff were circling with mini sliders, halloumi kebabs and hot dogs, to complement the champagne, and we all scoffed happily while she taught us the dance for the chorus.
‘Digging the Dancing Queen looks like THIS,’ she shouted, pretending to dig a spade into the garden, then putting her hands on her head. ‘Now YOU TRY. Go!’
We had a one-handed go while we held on to our food and drink, then sat back down for the next instruction.
‘Stop, stop. This isn’t working,’ Barbie Queue said, exasperated. ‘You’re not getting it quick enough. I need some volunteers up front.’ She stalked around pointing a sharp talon at innocent people. ‘You, and you, then the lady with the pink blouse, yes you, and the gentleman with his mouth full? Both of you, please. And one final lady…’ She scanned the audience until her eyes landed on me. ‘Kat! Perfect. Up you come.’ I swallowed a chunk of halloumi and felt it stick in my throat. I didn’t want to be a spoilsport, but I wasn’t really one to put on a show… I was more of a behind-the-scenes type of dancer.
Heidi gave me a nudge and Brooke started clapping. ‘Go girl!’ she called as I found myself standing up.
‘Show us how it’s done!’ Heidi shouted, while Zach slow-clapped and Leo whistled.
There wasn’t much freedom in this situation, that was for sure. Trapped and forced to dance, but I had to show willing for the client’s sake. I faked enthusiasm as I danced onto the stage and started copying Barbie Queue’s moves.
‘Get up off yer seats!’ she shouted, and everyone jumped up as the chorus played again and I danced and jived with the other ‘volunteers’ and everyone followed along. Leo caught my eye and dug at the same time as me and we both laughed. He looked quite cute, throwing himself into the dancing and I felt myself thaw a little. Barbie Queue clapped her hands like an angry gym teacher, in-between hitting the high notes. I tried to concentrate on the moves, but my gaze kept wandering back to Leo, laughing with Brooke and Heidi as his hair fell in his eyes.
‘Alreet, that’s enough of that!’ Barbie Queue hollered, and the music stopped.
I jumped down, gratefully and shrank into my seat. No more public dancing for me.
‘You’re a good sport, Kat,’ Brooke said, gleaming.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got a lovely little surprise for you this evening. Because not only do you get my glorious voice in your ears, but for one night only I am being joined by my backing singers. Please give it up for… The Cruising Crustaceanssss!’
Arlo, Oliver and Dahlia coughed their way through the smoke machine in identical lobster outfits. They each stood behind a microphone, looking distinctly uncomfortable, while Barbie Queue whipped off her top layer and transformed into Cher.
Leo wolf whistled as she belted out the first line of ‘The Shoop Shoop Song’, and The Crustaceans did their bestto harmonise the chorus. Within seconds we were up and shooping left to right like one big happy family. After three champagnes even Heidi cracked a smile and I was stuffed full of burgers when Barbie Queue came to do her finale.
‘This is my favourite song, this one.’
‘Aaaaaahhhhh!’ The audience were really getting into it now.
‘No! It is, like. As you can probably tell, I’m from up north… near Leeds. Ilkley Moor baht ’at for those of you who know it. And growing up as just a small-town girl, I had a massive crush on that there Robbie Williams.’
‘Wooooooo!’ we all chorused childishly.
She raised a pencilled eyebrow the ugly sisters would’ve been proud of. ‘D’yer know him?’
‘Yessssssss!’ I glanced at Leo who was joining in enthusiastically.
‘I’ve got a song I like to sing that reminds me of him. Can I sing it for yer?’
‘Yessssssss!’
‘Alright, alright, if you insist. I must give the people what they want, after all,’ she said, a hand to her forehead, resigned to her duty. ‘I’ll need a volunteer.’ Leo’s hand shot up before she’d got the words out, keen to earn his volunteer credits. ‘Yes my love, you with the thick hair. I love a man with nice thick hair. All the more to grab onto, amirite, ladies?’
We laughed as she beckoned Leo up on stage and sat him down.
‘Now there are just one or two props that’ll help me to… er… get myselfthere, if you know what I mean?’
