‘Alreet, kids?’ she shouted into a megaphone. ‘Who’s lookin’ the business then, eh? Maureen – that tan’s comin’ on super, love. And them yellow speedos are gorgeous, Eddie; wish I was wearing my bikini. It’s bloody hot in this get-up I can tell yer. Now then, why am I here? Oh yes, touting for customers to come to my show. Anyone fancy enterin’ the DRAG DEN? It’s likeDragon’s Denbut the roles are reversed.’
There was a lacklustre cheer from around the pool.
‘You’re the ones with the cash and I’m the terrified, sweaty one trying to remember me lines,’ she called, faux-dramatically, staring off into the distance. ‘Stood all alone, desperate for one of you – just one – to give me a smile. And then inevitably… all yer money.’
There were a few smiles at that.
‘Youuu miserable bunch!’ she said, throwing up the Vs. ‘Forget it then. If you can’t be arsed to join in, why should I bother? I’ll take Marge Simpson’s wig off and save me-self the trouble.’
Everyone laughed then gave a collective ‘aaaaaahhhhhh’ in sympathy.
She pretended to strop off then turned. ‘Is that really what you want?’
‘No!!!’ they shouted.
‘What you really, really want?’
‘No!!!’ they shouted again. She had them in the palm of her hand now.
‘You’ll come then? For the love of a good sausage?’
‘Yes!!!’
‘I should bloody well think so, too, yer lazy lot. Get dressed and I’ll see you upstairs in half an hour.’
She flounced off, her platform boots thundering along the deck as people rose from their sunbeds like the walking dead. It was impossible to see the man behind the act in amongst Barbie Queue’s costume layers. Lashes on top of lashes and contouring to such a degree that her face looked like an envelope. It must be like having a split personality to put on that level of showmanship –
and make-up – day after day. I couldn’t wait to see the full act.
‘That’s tonight’s entertainment sorted then,’ I said, finishing my digestif. ‘There might be a pitchable moment in there somewhere.’
‘Really? What?’ Heidi asked, desperate for a confetti cannon of creativity to explode so she could write down an idea.
I shrugged. ‘Impossible to know in advance, but there’ll be something. That’s the beauty of a holiday like this. Is there an angle in Barb’sjoie de vivrevibe? The freedom to be whoever you want to be. Feeling free in every way. Free to travel, free to do as little as you like?’
Heidi snorted. ‘I could not feel any less free right now. We’re trapped. There’s nowhere to go and hide and rest. And so many people are filming – it’s putting me on permanent alert. I daren’t close my eyes in case I end up as the accidental star of some creep’s
TikTok.’
‘Yeah, I get it. It hasn’t been very freeingfor us. You’ve also hit the nail on the head for why a lot of people won’t fancy going on a cruise. Getting stuck with the same people day after day and not being able to get away.’
‘But you can end up having dinner next to the same annoying family every night in a hotel in Crete.’
‘What if we flip that thought to a positive. The possibility of new friends, new experiences, who knows what might happen – that kind of thing? The ultimate adventure.’
Heidi rolled her eyes. ‘Worryingly interpretable. You could end up overboard… left behind on an island… eaten by a shark – who knows? Anything goes! Hashtag ultimate adventure.’
Life’s a Pitch Group Chat:
Brooke: Drag supper is starting soon. Where are you all?
Heidi: Just coming!
Leo: At the bar behind you ?
Zach: Oh no we’re not.
Leo: Oh yes we are.
