I sigh. “But what if he says no? What if he fires me?”
“Honestly, Fliss? Is that the sort of place you want to work?”
I press my lips together. “After this week shouldn’t we both quit?”
“I have no idea what’s going to happen on Monday.”
“What do you mean?”
“Exactly that. I don’t know what I’m going to do. How I’m going to feel. How I’m going to manage this.”
The way his gaze intensifies as he says this, I understand what he’s telling me. He’s not just talking about work. He’s talking about this. Us. Whatever it is that’s going on here. I swallow again, a lump forming hard in my throat.
“I don’t really want to think about Monday.”
James takes a deep breath. “Me neither but it’s going to come around and… I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you. If…”
“It’s fine. I get it. I feel the same way.” And I do. I don’t know what this week has done to me, but I’ve never felt so disconnected from the world. It’s been like an out of body experience, picking me up and placing me in a universe I can’t escape from through a black mirror. I’ve felt connected to this man whom I usually hate. We’ve had something. Sparked a flame.
“I’m not an idiot. I’m not as breakable as you think I am,” I practically whisper.
“I never thought that.”
“Then stop trying to be gentle about this.”
“Ok… Fine. I’m not worried about you. I’m worried about me.”
I frown. “What?”
“You’re going to hate me again on Monday when we go back to being who we really are. I’ll make your blood boil with an email and then you won’t speak to me.”
“Then let’s make a deal.”
“A deal?”
There’s two parts of me now. One side is terrified. It wants me to run downstairs and beg Marie to let me have another room. A safe place where I can’t hurt my heart. The other side is a flame, flickering dangerously close to a match. It’s daring me to take a leap. To push myself out of my comfort zone.
“Let’s promise that tomorrow we go back to normal. Not our fighting normal. But we take a step back, reassess. If what’s happened this week is just a case of us being in an insanely intense situation, then neither of us get hurt. Our hearts shouldn’t be on the line along with our careers.”
“Fliss…”
“You don’t think that’s the best thing here?”
“I don’t know.”
“Just let us have tonight. We can see this out. And tomorrow we’ll go back to colleagues. No mess. No pain. No drama.”
James sighs, squeezing his chin. “That’s what you want?”
I think about what it would be like for us to extend this thing we’re doing beyond Scotland and all I can see is a trail of pain. I see us fighting. I see hearts getting broken. So, I nod.
James nods too.
“Alright, deal,” he says. “Then what now?”
I feel my heart quicken in my chest. It’s almost completely dark in our room now except for the light flickering on the TV. The sound of our breathing fills the room. James doesn’t move as I slide closer towards him. His face drops into a serious expression as I turn, placing one leg across his, sitting astride him. His fingers move slowly, carefully to my hips, sliding between my leggings and vest as he takes hold of me, shuffling to be more central.
“Then this,” I say, leaning down to kiss him.
