“I get it,” I say.
“And I know you haven’t had it easy either, Fliss. You had to deal with your parents and the fallout of their separation on your own. You didn’t have siblings who understood, to some extent at least, what you were going through.”
I feel the threat of tears building behind my eyes. Somehow, between James opening up about work and his family, and the way he’s acknowledgedmybaggage, his words have wrapped around my heart and squeezed.
“I didn’t have it anywhere near as bad as you. It can just be lonely sometimes, that’s all. I thought I’d outgrow that feeling. As a teenager it was hard to manage the emotions but I’m thirty now and sometimes I still wish I had a sibling to call up and moan about my parents with. To share the responsibilities as they get older.”
“We have a WhatsApp chat specifically for bitching about Mum’s antics,” James says with a snort. “It’s called ‘Lads Chat’ so she doesn’t pry.”
I wish I had that. I wish I could trade some of that emotional workload I have to juggle for Mum to someone who fully gets it. Someone who feels the same way. It would be like taking a load off my shoulders.
As if he can read my mind, James reaches across slowly, tucks a damp strand of hair behind my ear before gently running his fingers across my cheek.
“What about you? Any confessions?” he says.
I laugh just as a tear escapes. James catches it with his thumb.
“I honestly do want someone to share a mortgage with.”
A huge smile splits across his face. “And I thought women were supposed to be the romantic ones.”
“It’s just really impossible to get a mortgage on one salary these days.”
“You’re right. It’s the modern-day marriage.”
“They should celebrate it more.”
James drops his hand, sighing as he returns to staring at the screen. At some point he must’ve muted it. I feel the need to be honest with him in this silence, the dragging anxiety surfacing from the lack of noise between us for even a second. And besides, he was brave enough to tell me.
“There’s something else too. Idowant my own house. A place to build a life. But, also, I want recognition. I know it’s sometimes a bit over the top and maybe I need to look inwards and work on that. But I want to feel like I’ve achieved something worthy. I want people to look up to me. Is that wrong?”
James considers this. I gulp at the intensity of his dark blue eyes. The sun has started to fade outside the window, casting the room into darkness, the light from the TV forming colours on his cheeks.
“No,” he says. “It’s not wrong.” He frowns as if he’s pondering over it. “I think people already do feel like that with you, Fliss. Your team are very protective over you. And I know this because Connor is dating Amy.”
“What!”
“Oh, yeah. And what’s the guy with the bright blond hair called again? I think he does graphic design.”
“Benji?”
“He’s with Mohammed.”
“No… The sneaky…”
“They don’t tell you because they look up to you. Not because they’re afraid. They genuinely want to be like you. But clearly, they’ve got great taste, hence their reasons for secretly dating salespeople.”
I scoff. “I wouldn’t call that great taste.”
James just grins. It says,you practically threw a strop last night when I stopped you from taking it further. I’m glad when he doesn’t actually say the words. Blood rushes into my cheeks.
“I’m sad they don’t feel like they can tell me though. I’m jealous your crew tell you.”
“Sales and marketing people are different. My crew overshares on a dangerous level. Your people are more reserved.”
“I guess,” I say, though I think he’s just trying to make me feel better. Maybe it is something I should work on.
“But look, don’t let your need for recognition take away the things you deserve. Just because Michael says you’re amazing, doesn’t mean he’s providing the goods. First thing Monday, I want to see you in that office negotiating your salary.”
