He grabs my arm and I stumble along, unable to feel most of my body as the soul-crushing pain makes me numb.
Connor leads me through the house and outside, forcing me to sit in one of the chairs at the patio table. I watch as he drags the other around to sit across from me. We stare at each other for a long moment, neither of us willing to break first.
Curling my hands into fists, I let the prick of pain center me, noting how Connor flicks his gaze to where they rest on the table. I’m sure that’s going into his file on me…and Javi’s.Great.
“Why are we out here?” I ask, my voice barely recognizable as my emotions make it hoarse.
“When was the last time you stepped foot outside?”
I…don’t honestly know. When we moved, probably? I don’t do field work, and I can order anything I need online, so… The thought of leaving the safety of my rig and dealing with people, except the ones in the house…Fuck.It hasn't been this bad since shortly after I escaped.
The fact I’ve only done voice calls with H, rather than video, says more than anything else ever will. I’m surprised he hasn’t called me out sooner…but then, he probably assumes I’m too stressed with the Senator’s bullshit, not that I’ve gone back to bad habits.He’s going to give me so much shit when he finds out…
“Don’t let Doc drug me,” I finally whisper, not answering Connor’s question, though that’s an answer in itself.
“Why? You know the suicide protocol.”
I jerk in my seat, bile filling my mouth as my heart races in my chest. “I… I’m not…”
“So I didn’t have to disarm you and whisk you away before Javi and Doc forced the issue? I’m sure they’re getting a room ready for you as we speak. The whole house is bugged, remember?”
“I… I can’t… Lio needs me. Tennant needs me…”
“I’m not saying forgive him. I’m not saying I expect you to all of a sudden become comfortable with him overnight because of all this, but… You can’t touch him, Hol.”
“I’m not telling you to be best friends with the guy.”
“Allesandroneeds me.”
“Funny, I didn’t think you liked the guy,” Connor says bluntly, but not forcefully.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I shift in my seat. “I…don’t hate him. Hell, I respect him more than I do myself right now. At least, he is trying to make amends. I just…I can’t get past what happened between him and Lio. I…It’s not aboutAllesandro.”
Connor nods as if he understands, but how could he? No one can understand the rollercoaster in my head, except…Javi and Allesandro.
“We belong to a certain club that nobody asked to join and, for sure, nobody wants to live through.”
Isn’t that the fucking truth. When my father did what he did to me…I never expected to survive, let alone to make it as long as I did. Two owners, constant psychological torture, the touching…the slimy, stomach-churning softness when they were trying to prove they weren’t “bad guys”...
No, I never wanted to live with that pain. It’s why I took that knife in hand the first time. Why, even though it fucking guts me, and I want to take his pain away, I understood Emilio and his choices.
“I think about cutting every single day, and have for close to twenty years now. I only broke after all this started. It was months and years’ worth of built-up pain, anxiety, control, and helplessness until the failure I am couldn’t handle it anymore.
“I did it again after watching the video of Emilio because my past and present were colliding. I saw the Boy I love being hurt in the most unimaginable ways, and as his Owner, I failed to be strong enough for him. I…don’t deserve him. My biggest fear is that he’ll realize that and leave me. So, no, I don’t hate Allesandro. I hate myself.”
Connor watches me carefully. “And if Lio chooses you? If he decides he can’t live without you in his life, and you keep going the way you are?”
I cringe. “It’ll kill him. I might as well end his life now, rather than let him die a slow death because I sucked him dry.”
“Then what are you going to do about it?”
“You think you’ve won something, but you haven’t. You’ve already lost.”
“His Angel, his Owner… You hold Lio…You’re deliberately hurting your submissive.”
Fuck. I never wanted this. I never wanted to cause the pain I have.
I look Connor dead in the eye, as tears run down my face, blurring my vision as my glasses smudge. “I’m going to make it right. I need to make it right. None of us can go on like this. Not me, not Emilio, and sure as fuck not Tennant and Allesandro. I…I need help, Connor. Please… I need someone to help me, so I can help those I love.”
