London considered my question with a pensiveness that bordered on melancholy. “Maybe … Do you want to know something?”
I nodded, leaning forward.
“I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know that I want to stay on Glenvulin. But … and I feel awful saying this and it must stay between us …”
“Of course,” I promised gruffly.
“I’m not happy at the B and B. I mean, I’m notunhappy. But I hate the early mornings.” She laughed sheepishly. “And I miss a busy kitchen. I think that’s what I liked most about being a sous chef was working as a team. My last job, I felt like we were a mini family. They were my closest friends because no one else worked such long, off-kilter hours. I think I enjoyed that more than I did the cooking in the end.”
Surprised, I pushed. “So, you don’t want to be a chef?”
“I don’t know. I love my little honesty box. I get such a thrill when I see it’s empty. But I think that’s because I like when people like my food. It’s a form of acceptance in a way when they empty out that box. But it doesn’t matter if I’m not totally happy in my job. Who is? I should stick to my skill set.” She shrugged. “I can cook and bake, therefore I should.”
“Or not.” It bothered me far more than was healthy to know London wasn’t content. “You should find what makes you happy and do it.”
“I couldn’t leave Nee in the lurch like that.”
“I don’t think she’d see it that way.”
“Murray … Nee and Ramsay helped give me my life back.” Her gaze grew watery. “I couldn’t repay her by leaving her without a cook for the guest house.”
“I don’t?—”
“Why would I abandon her for something that doesn’t exist?” London slowly stood, giving me a wobbly smile. “Nick derailedmy life. Ilethim derail my life. I’ll never forgive myself for that. It’s my fault I’m a little lost and that I might never find my way back. I’m not going to abandon the one person who has given me at least some sense of purpose.”
My chest fucking ached even as my blood heated with indignation.
“Thank you for the tea. Good night, Murray.”
I wanted to speak. To call after her. But my own emotions were too fucking overwhelming.
It went beyond frustration knowing that London was being so shitty to herself. That she was compromising her own happiness because she didn’t feel she deserved any better. I realized it scared me.
I think it scared me because it was almost impossible to love someone who didn’t love themselves, and I had more than my own feelings to consider in this complicated situation. There was Kelly to think about. Falling in love for me couldn’t ever be as simple as just falling into the unknown for the euphoria of it all. If that euphoria even existed.
Loving a woman had to be a choice I made.
It had to be the right choice, not just for me but for my family.
I stared at the piano, imagining London there.
My gut knotted.
Logically, I knew I shouldn’t allow my feelings for her to deepen. That I should treat her like a business partner. It wasn’t as if she’d shown any real signs of wanting me in return.
But the thought of leaving her to feel alone, fucking hurt. It physically hurt.
And that’s why I was scared too.
Because I was an idiot if I thought falling for London could ever be something I managed or chose.
I was over that cliff, and there was no stopping my momentum now.
22.London
It was fair to say I was dragging the next day. After I left Murray in the music room, I’d miraculously managed to fall asleep only for my alarm to go off an hour later.
Copious amounts of coffee kept my mind alert, but my limbs felt heavy. Taran had texted, asking me to have lunch with her at the LSLS charity shop, so I’d finished up at the B and B, stopped at Pages & Perks for more coffee, and then grabbed sandwiches for me and Taran from the bakery.
