A few days have passed. Adrian has made excuses to stop by more than usual. Something I said to him must have given him hope, because he has the nerve to ask me how my day is, what I had for dinner, things like that. I swallow all my ire and answer. Short, but not aggressive. A little bit at a time.
Today I found a note in the kitchen, signed by him.
In it, he asked me to go outside to the small, pathetic courtyard at a specific time.
Now I’m on my way out the back door to meet him. I turn the corner and find him standing there, unable to hide his surprise.
He quickly hides away the shock and smiles, holding his hands behind his back in the middle of the courtyard. Except it’s not pathetic anymore. It’s filled with the most lush, colorful flowers, plants, and vines that crawl up the trellises.
“It almost looks like home,” I say as my eyes scan all the intricate details.
“I know how much you loved spending time out there. This may not be exactly the same, and it’s a much smaller scale, but…
I swallow.
I hate it.
But this is my opportunity.
I step closer to him, hesitantly.
He watches me with a hopeful look in his eyes, then steps forward to meet me in the middle. “I know I can’t take back what’s happened, but I want to try to make up for it. I’ll prove it to you every day.”
He reaches out a hesitant hand, and when I don’t pull away, he caresses the side of my face. A tear slides down my cheek, and it’s real. But it’s not for the reasons he thinks it is, I’m sure.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers.
He looks at me like he might… no.
I can’t.
I look away, pretending to be moved by it all. “It’s beautiful,” I whisper. I wipe at my face, then back away. “Thank you. I’m sorry…” I trail off as I run away.
~
I hate myself. I take another drink as I sit alone in my room, tears running down my face.
The feeling of anyone’s hand but Daegan’s caressing my face makes me sick. And I hate myself for that. I hate that he hasn’t come to save me like he promised, but I hate myself even more for selfishly pushing those feelings deep down, and for not even thinking what he’s been through this whole time, all at the mercy of my father.
I did, at first. It made me sick to know that he was suffering, that I was so far from him, and that he was all alone. It’s what motivated me to try to getoff the island. It’s also what drove me to drink myself into oblivion every night. I couldn’t stand the thought of what might be happening to him.
Slowly, I started to give up. The more I drank, the angrier I got. At all of it. At myself, at my dad, at Adrian, and even at Daegan. So much time was passing by, and he still hadn’t come. I was mad at him for not escaping, and I knew that was such a stupid, stupid thing, but I couldn’t help it. Why couldn’t he fight harder? He bested everyone I’d ever seen him go up against. He was unbreakable and unbeatable in my eyes.
Had my father finally broken him?
Before I heard confirmation that he finally broke out, I feared that maybe he had already, and he just wasn’t coming for me. I feared that he broke free and realized that loving me was a stupid idea, and he moved on. That he wasn’t coming back for the spoiled elven princess. I would only hold him back from saving his people.
He told me he loved me just before we were ripped apart. And I wanted to say it back. I meant it with every piece of myself. Then I started to tell myself that during his solitary time in the dungeons, he came to his senses. So I tried to convince myself it was a lie too.
Maybe over time it became easier for me to be mad at him than to drown in the utterly painful, consuming grief that I felt at losing her. And losing him.
But when I heard Adrian mention that an important prisoner had escaped, I knew. And I pushed down that realization that he was free, and he hadn’t found me.
Facing all those feelings now feels like a powerful storm inside my body that’s been building up, finally ready to unleash itself. I’ve barely felt a thing in months, and now every bit of grief, anger, and sadness is drowning me.
I grunt loudly and throw the bottle at my mirror, the one Phaedra just replaced from another room, smashing it. Then I collapse onto my bed.
This island is going to drive me mad.
