How dare he come here.
How dare he show his fucking face and make all these memories jump back to the forefront of my mind, the pain now as sharp as they were a year ago.
I take another sip from the bottle, then I close my eyes and lean back against a wall. The image of her being shot off her horse plays out in my mind as clearly as if it were happening right in front of me all over again.
I squeeze my eyes tighter in an attempt to erase it from my mind, like I’ve become so skilled at doing.
Unsuccessful, I open my lids, turn, and punch my mirror as I shout.
I feel nothing this time, but the blood dripping from my knuckles tells me I should be feeling something.
The problem is, I’ve barely felt anything in a long time.
And now it’s all rushing in.
I take another sip. And another.
Someone taps gently on the other side of my door as I wrap my hand.
“Who is it?”
“Phaedra.”
I halt what I’m doing.
“Go away, please. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? I heard… noises.” Her voice is muffled through the door.
“Yes, I’m sure. But beware downstairs. There’s a captain of the guards you should steer clear of. He’ll ruin your life.”
“O…kay.”
She doesn’t say anything further, so I resume wrapping.
As I look down at it, focusing hard through my hazy sight, my shoulders begin to shake just before the tears come.
A couple of sobs escape me, and I try to choke them back, but I end up letting out a high-pitched, uneven cry instead. I drop my hands in defeat, the injured one partially wrapped, and I collapse onto my bed. I curl into a ball and let the violent, angry, full-body sobs consume me.
~
Eventually I wake having no clue what day or time it is. I don’t care. I lie in bed staring at my broken mirror, my eyes feeling severely swollen, and let my thoughts spiral.
Meela. Daegan. Gaethri. Rhydra. Raef.
Half are dead, and the other half… I don’t know.
I haven’t allowed myself to think about where Daegan is in a long time. If he’s being tortured, I can’t think about that.
But he also promised me. He promised he’d come for me. Said he’d burn the world down to find me. This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to admit… that I’m angry at him. And I think I have been this whole time, even if I won’t admit it.
I know that’s not fair, but I’ve been messed up in the head for a year.
I wonder if they continued on without me. They must have rescued him by now. Raef would not have rested until he got his brother out of that dungeon.
The thought fills me with a flicker of hope that I haven’t felt in a while. I haven’t allowed myself to think about him at all, truthfully. It hurts too much.
Surely, they don’t really need me anymore. Yes, I have Maethrel’s blood, but visiting him and retrieving more would be easier than tracking me down and worrying about the burden that I am again. I only get people captured and killed.
