The answer to all those questions felt the same.
I shook my head. “No.”
That was when I finally allowed myself to break. I began sobbing uncontrollably, and within seconds, Maa rushed over to me. She pulled me into her arms and held on tighter than I’d ever been held before.
“What is it,mera beta? What’s wrong?” she asked repeatedly, her voice cracking every few seconds. But I couldn’t find the strength to say the words, because every single one felt heavy, and the last thing I wanted was for Maa to feel bad.She’d been feeling bad for over a year. I couldn’t push my issues on her, I couldn’t talk about my struggles, but I was lost. And sad. And scared.
“I miss him,” I confessed, choking on each breath that escaped me. “I miss him so much. Every second, I miss him, Maa. And I... I... I miss you. And Dad. I miss you so much. And... I’m sorry,” I cried as I pulled against the fabric of her shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I sobbed, thinking about what happened to Karla and what almost happened to her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I swore, thinking about what happened to Rian. I felt as if each day I was failing. I felt that each day my own mind was playing tricks on me. And all I wanted, all I ever wanted, was for the pain to stop.
When did suffering come to an end?
Why did I envy the dead more than the living?
“I’m sorry,” Maa said as she held me tight, wrapping her arms around me. “It’s OK, and I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know what she was apologizing for. She didn’t do anything wrong—I did. I made all the mistakes. I wasn’t there for Rian. I wasn’t there for Karla.
All I wanted was to help.
I couldn’t express that, though, because my mind was moving too fast, and it felt like the whole world was resting against my shoulders. It was too much. Too much hurt, too much pain, too much suffering.
Thankfully, in that moment, Maa held me tight.
I wondered if she wished it was Rian that she was holding instead of me.
That made me cry even harder than before.
24Karla
After Dad found me in the cemetery, I confessed to him that I’d considered taking a lot of my pain pills all at once to try to end my life. I didn’t mean to scare him, but truthfully, I scared myself. After that, Dad didn’t let me out of his sight until he could check me into a mental health clinic.
He also let Ellie go from her nannying position. I wasn’t quite certain how to feel about that. I wasn’t sure how to feel about a lot of things, if I was honest. My brain was tired.
At the clinic, Grandma Claire sat with me every single day for hours, and so did Dad. They didn’t leave my side. I was grateful for that, even though I was still upset with Dad.
Uncle Landon was all the way in Los Angeles, but he made his way back to Chicago to come sit with me. He brought Shay with him, which I was glad for. She was like another maternal figure, without Ellie.
I felt embarrassed that they’d come all the way out to Chicago to check on me, interrupting their whole lives because I was too weak to handle my own.
Uncle Landon came into my room first to talk to me. He always looked different whenever I saw him, because he was always prepping or filming for some kind of movie role. His hair was blond this go-around, as opposed to his normal brown hair. It didn’t look bad on him, but then again, nothing looked bad on Uncle Landon. He could’ve worn a wig that went down to his ankles,and he still would’ve been one of Hollywood’s most handsome leading men, just like my father.
I couldn’t shake off the embarrassment that I felt from having Uncle Landon see me in the mental health clinic.
“Hey, Uncle Landon,” I whispered. I tried to give him a smile, but my sad heart wouldn’t allow it.
“Hey, sport. Can I come in?” he asked as he waited in the doorway.
I nodded.
He stepped into the room and headed straight for me. He took a seat on the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into the tightest hug. I hugged him back and felt as if I was on the brink of tears. What was it about hugs that made me want to fall apart lately?
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled as I pulled away from him.
“For what?”
“For being stupid and thinking about taking those pills.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t going to do it, Uncle Landon. I swear, I wasn’t.”
He rubbed my back. “You know what I am to you, Karla?”
