“Karla, stop it!” I said, grabbing her by her wrists. “You’re just sad right now.”
“No, you don’t get it,” she said, frantically shaking her head back and forth. “It’s not just right now. I’m always sad. I’m always broken. And whenever there seems to be a second of everything being OK, it’s gone. I want it to be over with. I want the hurting to stop, Ash,” she sobbed as her body shookwith all her emotions. “I want out of this place. I want to die. I want to die. I want to—”
“Shut up!” I hollered, her words slicing into me as my brother crossed my mind. He was only a few feet away from us, six feet under. He had those same kinds of thoughts. He had those same kinds of demons. And I wasn’t there.
I wasn’t there when he was at his lowest. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t pull him back from the darkness, and that ate at me every single day of my life. This time was different, though. This time I was here. This time I could do something. This time I could save her. “Karla, I swear to God, if you don’t stop talking like that, I’m going to... I’m... I’m...” My mind was spinning. What would I have done for my brother if I’d had a chance? How would I have reacted? How would I have tried to save him from himself? “I’ll get your dad!” I swore.
I meant it, too.
Karla’s house wasn’t far from the cemetery. I could get there fast if need be.
I’d do it.
I’d bike a million miles at the speed of light if it meant that she would stay.
“Don’t leave, Karla,” I choked out, my voice cracking as my hands moved from her wrists to her hands. I laced my fingers with hers and held them against my chest. “Please don’t do this. Please? I, just, please,” I begged, I pleaded, I prayed. “Just stay a little longer, OK? Just try one more time. One more time is all I need, Karla. We can figure it out. I can help make you happier if you let me try. Just, please, Karla—”
“I can’t,” she said, shaking her head. She pulled her hands away from mine, and the slight warmth she’d been supplying me evaporated instantly and was replaced by a chillingcoldness. She kept shaking her head, but she dropped down to the ground. She covered her hands with her face and broke into a hysterical sob that made my heart break into more pieces than I thought possible. She was losing it, and I was losing her.
I couldn’t.
“I’ll be back, Karla. OK? Don’t fucking move, all right. I’ll be back. I’m going to get your dad. I’m going, OK, Karla? Stay here. Don’t move,” I begged, I pleaded, I prayed.
I knew her mind was moving too fast for me to waste any time. So I started biking.
I biked the fastest that I ever had as my chest burned and my heart broke. I dashed around each corner; I hurried past oncoming traffic. I didn’t stop for a minute to even take a breath because I was too afraid she’d be taking her last. I booked myself to Mr.East’s house, and when I arrived, I pounded on the front door, I hammered my fists against the wood, I buzzed the doorbell repeatedly, I screamed, I shouted, I cried. “Mr.East! Mr.East, please answer! Mr.Ea—”
The door flew open, and Ellie was standing there with panic-filled eyes. She noticed my expression, and I saw her heartbreak through her eyes. “Where is she, Ash?” she asked, her voice cracking in all the same places that mine had been cracking.
“At the cemetery with her mom,” I choked out.
“That’s what Greyson thought. He’s already on his way to her.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief. Before Ellie could say anything else, I started to bike back toward the cemetery. My chest burned as I pedaled as fast as possible, and by the time I arrived, I saw Mr.East with his arms wrapped around Karla. I took a few steps toward them, then hid behind a tombstone.
Even though I’d stopped biking, my chest kept burning. Mr.East held her so tightly, I knew he didn’t have any plans of letting her go any time soon.
Good.
She was still alive.
She was still breathing.
That was all that mattered to me.
After a while, Mr.East led Karla to his car, and they drove off together, leaving me there alone in the cemetery with only the ghosts.
I stayed still for a while as my mind tried to wrap around everything that had happened. I began to ride my bike home, each pedal feeling heavier as my mind spun. As I reached my place, I walked into the house with my shoulders hunched.
Maa was sitting on the couch in the living room sorting through some mail, and she glanced toward me for a quick moment before turning back to the mail. “Hey, sweetie, where were—” She paused for a second and looked back toward me. Her eyes flashed with worry as she placed the mail on the couch cushion. “Ashish. What is it? Are you OK?”
The moment those last three words fell from her mouth, my whole body began to shake.
Are you OK?
Am I OK?
Would I ever be OK?
