As I took my fifty-four steps to my seat, I stood for a moment, still looking at Ash.
I tried to speak, but no words came out at first.
I tried again. “Ash...”
He shook his head.
He didn’t look up or say a word.
It was clear he wasn’t interested in talking to me.
I should’ve forced him to look up. I should’ve forced him to lock eyes with me so even if I couldn’t say the words “I’m sorry,” he could read them in my eyes. Grandma Claire always said eyes couldn’t lie. That’s how she said she knew Dad still loved me when I doubted it at first. She said his love was resting in his eyes, not in the words he was struggling to say.
I wanted to show Ash my apologies. I wanted them to bleed out of my sympathetic stare.
But he didn’t turn to face me.
I figured by the time lunch came around, he’d meet me in Mrs.Rivers’s classroom. He didn’t show up. He didn’t walk me from my last class of the day to Ellie’s car, either.
The next day, he gave me the same cold shoulder.
I should’ve said something, but I didn’t. I was too embarrassed.
The day after that, he ignored me again.
I missed him.
I missed his dorky jokes.
I missed his crooked smile.
I missed his voice.
And he was right there. Sitting behind me. Just inches away from me, yet somehow, he felt so very far away. That was a new kind of sadness. Missing someone when they were right there.
I’m sorry, Ash.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
***
After school on Friday, I stood at my locker. It had officially been five days of being ignored by Ash. When someone tappedme on the shoulder, I was so hopeful that it was him. As I turned around, a sudden disappointment hit me as I saw Missy standing there. Colton had his arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her into his side.
They smelled like cigarettes and weed. Missy didn’t even look like herself; she hadn’t ever since she started dating Colton. She wore a lot more makeup than she ever had before. It was caked onto her face. It probably made her feel older. I wondered if Colton liked that look on her. I wondered if he made her wear it.
Or maybe it was just the cool thing to do. What did I know?
“Hey, Karla!” Missy smiled brightly. “Are you still coming to the party tonight?”
Oh, the party.
Right.
That was the whole reason Ash wasn’t speaking to me.
