My chest tightened.
This wasn’t about me at all. This was about Ash and whatever past drama he had.
“I’m sorry Rian was bullied, but that doesn’t mean you know anything about my friends.”
“Your friends?!” he spat out. His eyes bugged out in his head as if I were the stupidest person in the world. “Those people are not your friends! Why can’t you get it through your head? They hate you, Karla. They are mocking you. And nothing good is going to come from you going to their party.”
“Stop it, Ash,” I hissed, feeling embarrassed and ashamed because a part of me knew he was right. Yet the bigger part of me wanted to believe he was jealous. “You’re just mad that they don’t like you.”
“They don’t like anyone!” he shouted. He looked so angry. I didn’t know his face could look like that—enraged. “They are dicks who ruin people’s lives because they don’t give afuck about anything or anyone. Karla, you’re making a bad mistake.”
I swallowed hard. “You need to leave.”
“What?”
“I want you to leave! Get out! I’m not your friend, Ash. I just felt bad for you.”
“You felt bad for me?”
“Yes. But clearly that was a mistake. I don’t want to be friends with you. I don’t want you here.” My mind was moving faster and faster as embarrassment and shame started to build in my gut. I didn’t know why it happened, but whenever I felt that way, I grew defensive and mean. I put up a wall of protection to keep out anyone who could hurt me. In that moment, it was Ash. I needed to push him away, because he was causing too much confusion in my head. All I wanted was to go to the party.
All I wanted was to be me again.
Why couldn’t he see that?
“You don’t get it, Karla. My brother killed himself because of people like Colton and Missy.”
“I’m not your brother, Ash. Stop putting that on me.”
He looked frustrated as he raked his hands through his hair. “That’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is they don’t give a shit about you.”
“You’re just jealous,” I murmured, feeling my heartbeat pick up in speed as my brain became foggy. “These people were my friends long before you, and they would never hurt me the way those people hurt your brother.”
“Yes, they will.”
“I don’t want you here,” I said as I stepped away from him. My hands were sweaty, and my head felt dizzy. Rage was slowly building up inside me, and if he didn’t turn and walk out of theroom, he was going to be the target for all the darkness inside me. I was so confused. Why was he acting like this? I thought he was my friend, and now instead, he was turning against me and my one shot at real happiness. Didn’t he want that for me? Didn’t he want me to get better?
“You need to leave now,” I told him.
“Karla—”
“Stop talking to me! You just want everyone to be miserable like you! Well, I won’t let you ruin this for me. If you want to stay a loser, fine! Stay a loser and get out of here!” I screamed as I tossed my hands in his direction. I couldn’t stop saying mean things, because I felt uncomfortable and unstable and abandoned by him. Just like Mom abandoned me. Just like Dad abandoned me. Because that was what people did—they let me down and hurt me. So I had to hurt him back. It was the only way I could think to protect myself. I kept yelling. “I’m not your freaking brother, OK?!I’m not your redo at saving him! You don’t get to save me! You’re not some hero in a novel, and I’m not a damsel in distress! I’m sorry your brother’s dead, but it’s not my fault he died!” I shouted with a rage I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was morphing into exactly what the kids at school called me: a monster. I was becoming a cruel creature with no humanity as I raged at him. “I don’t need you, Ashish. I never needed you, and I want you to leave! You mean nothing to me!” I lied.
Why was I doing it? Why couldn’t I slow down the chaotic thoughts of my mind? Why couldn’t I stop hurting him?
Ouch.
I couldn’t stop yelling at him, even when I heard him sniffling. I wasn’t even mad at him, but he was just the target that was in front of me. Grandma Claire called it lashing out at the wrong target. I didn’t even know who the right target was, but Ash was getting the cruelty swung his way. I saw the hurt inhis eyes as I screamed. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so angry? Why was I so cruel? Why was I taking all the pent-up words I wanted to use on myself and throwing them at Ash as if that made any sense?
Ouch.
He stood still as I shouted at him. Defeated. Hurt.
Ouch.
I yelled until my vocal chords felt scratched.
My dad showed up in the hallway, confused.
