I didn’t get why Ash couldn’t understand that.
“Didn’t you skip school yesterday because said jerks were bullying you?”
“Not Brian, and he’ll be at the party,” I quickly justified. Brian never bullied me. Not once. Not ever. He wouldn’t. It was just Missy’s boyfriend, Colton, who was a bully toward me. But maybe that was because he didn’t know me yet. Maybe if he got to know me, he wouldn’t think I was so disgusting. That’s probably what Missy was thinking, too. That was probably why she invited me, so Colton could see I wasn’t a big loser.
“Yeah, but I doubt Brian spoke up on your behalf,” Ash spat out. His nostrils flared as he talked to me, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand whyhedidn’t understand how this was great for me.
But how could he understand?
He was the boy who talked to dead people and walked around with toy trucks in his pocket when he could’ve easily chosen to be popular instead. That made me angry because he had everything I wanted. He had the good looks, the charisma, the humor, and he took it all for granted. He chose his current lifestyle of loneliness. I didn’t have an option. So how dare he try to take this moment away from me? This was my one shot at being me again. And if my friends let me back in, they’d probably love him, too. I’d tell them how great he was, and how he could make them laugh for hours. Couldn’t he see? This was good for the both of us. We could be popular together.
“Gosh, is it so hard to understand that this party would mean a lot to me?” I tried to explain. I felt like I was speaking an alien language that he couldn’t comprehend at all. “This is a good thing.”
“What’s your weird obsession with being friends with them?” he asked as he tossed his hands up in annoyance.
“Because they were my friends before, and I want to be normal again.”
“Normal isn’t even good.” He pulled out his phone and frantically started typing on it. He then held it up to me. “See?! Do you see that?” he asked.
I looked at his phone and stared at the definition of “normal.”
Conforming to a standard.
Usual.
Typical.
Expected.
Average.
He pulled his phone away from me, still with anger in his eyes. Why was he so angry about a party invite? Or maybe it was hurt. Who knew? My mind couldn’t always grasp the exact emotions others were feeling. I hardly understood my own emotions.
“See? Nothing about normal means good. It just means the same basic bullshit over and over again. The status quo,” Ash said.
“Well, maybe I like the status quo!” I argued back. My chest ached. My body hurt. My heart hurt even more, though. “I miss the status quo! I miss not being a freak. I miss having friends. I miss people liking me! I miss my life before this,” I hollered, gesturing to my disgusting face. To my hideous scars. “I miss being the me I was before. I hate the me I am now.Nobody likes this.”
“I do,” he whispered with a slight shake in his voice. Ash’s stare shifted to the floor, and he took a few deep breaths. “I like who you are now.”
“Yeah, but that’s just because you’re a freak,” I said without thought.
The words left my mouth faster than I would’ve liked. I wished I’d let my brain think first instead of allowing my feelings to run wild. I wished it was slower, like the rest of my body. Because I didn’t want to call him a freak. I didn’t even think he was a freak. Ash was nice. And kind. And smart. And silly. He was the only one who not only looked at me as if I were a regular person but talked to me as if I was his friend. He was kind to me when others belittled me. He was in my corner before he even knew my last name.
And my stupid brain found the need to put him down in that moment because he was telling me that I was good enough.
What was wrong with me?
Why was I such a monster?
“A freak,” he murmured, his voice cracking. His hand raked through his hair and he sniffled. He wouldn’t look at me. “Karla, those people don’t like you.”
“How do you know? You don’t!”
“I do!”
“How?!”
“Because I know them!” he shouted, frustration shooting through his whole body. “I know assholes like them. They were the same type of people who bullied Rian. Believe me when I say I know that those people, Missy, Colton—Brian—they don’t like you. They are mocking you.”
