The darkness is so much more consuming than it was before, and that’s when I notice he put the fire out.
I cover myself in the blankets and stare up at where the van’s ceiling would be if I could see it.
I try to pretend I’m alone, but Carey makes the faintest sound every time he exhales, and the synthetic fabric of the sleeping bag crinkles whenever he shifts. That’s a good sound though, it means there’s a barrier between us.
He rolls over fully, and my chest twitches when I feel the mattress shift beneath me.
“Are you warm enough?” I ask when he moves again, because the truth is, after ten minutes, I’m freezing down to my bones.
“This thing's rated for below freezing. So I’m fine.”
I know he’s looking at me. Even though I’m on my back and my eyes are closed, I can feel the heat of it burning through the darkness.
I try to fall asleep, but that cold pocket in my chest just won’t go away.
The only thing I can think about is the space between our bodies and how easy it would be to close it.
But I don’t.
I won't.
I lay as still as I can but the night keeps getting colder.
My feet are numb.
I toss and turn until I know I’m facing Carey and have inched closer to him.
I feel Carey sit up, and I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter.
The rustle of his sleeping bag gets louder until I realize he’s laying the blanket I gave him over me. He tucks it in as best he can then settles back down. “It’s not a contest,” he says quietly. “If you’re cold we can share the sleeping bag. I can unzip it and lay it out—I mean. It doesn't have to be weird.”
I open my eyes, and through the faintest outline of his head and shoulders, I can tell he’s propped up on one arm.
I look to where his eyes should be and imagine that he’s looking at me too.
Maybe he is.
Maybe it wouldn’t be too big of a mess if I took him up on his offer.
Maybe it would be alright if I unzipped it a little and slide my body in next to his so I could soak up his warmth. But I know I’d never survive it. So I just say, “I’m fine. Go to sleep.”
Carey sighs, drops back down to his side, and for a while it’s quiet again. But I can’t stop thinking about us both wrapped up together without our sweats on, my chest pressed against hisback, or the other way around. I wouldn’t mind. I’d lay however he wanted.
I wonder if he’s hard, if I’d be able to tell through the sleeping bag, and if he’d let me do anything about it.
The want is so strong it makes my spine hurt.
I’m still wrestling with it when he pipes up again out of nowhere.
“Hey, Tek?”
“What?”
"Have you ever tried cock warming?"
I cough, almost choking on my tongue. "What the fuck?"
"You know." His voice goes timid. "You get hard, put it inside but don't move. You get all the heat and don't have to do any work."
