There's no way I can answer that, especially with the image already so vividly in my imagination; Carey lying beneath me, open and waiting, making some dumb joke about conserving energy. My hands on his hips holding him still. The want to move burning through me.
"I tried it once," he says. "With a girl I was seeing in Hawaii. It's weird, but you feel secure, you know? Like the other person's not going anywhere. It's just you, and them, and you can't think of anything else."
I dig my fingers into my thighs as hard as I can to try and kill the thought, because I know exactly what he means, and I can't admit that. Not to him. Not even to myself.
"So… If you ever get a chance—if you haven't already, I mean. It's obviously easiest with a girl… Unless you wanna diversify."
There's a snicker in his tone.
A dare.
I could answer, God knows I want to. I want to know what it feels like to sink into him, or… what it would be like to be the one sunken into.
My stomach warms at the thought.
I could make a joke.
I could say a thousand filthy things.
But instead I roll away from him and pull the blankets up higher.
“Goodnight,” I say, unable to hold it in any longer, but it comes out like a threat.
Carey does what I need him to do and keeps his mouth shut, except now the silence feels less like empty space and more like a wall between us.
I lie there, strung out and raw, listening to the slow cadence of his breathing. My body is cold, but there’s a fire in my belly that keeps me awake for hours.
I need to get away from him.
I want to go home.
But the only thing worse than being trapped in this van with him would be being anywhere else.
12 years ago
Lane County Circuit Court
Eugene, Oregon
4:18 p.m.
I’ve been here for hours, but I’ve been waiting for eight months.
He avoided trial.
The charge? Vehicular homicide; second degree.
The plea? No contest.
The court room is full, but this man isn’t special. He’s just the seventeenth loser on the docket waiting for judgement.
I swear the criminal justice system is designed to break you down slowly, but I’m already as low as I can get.
It should be simple.
His time is up.
He said, “Yes, Ma’am,” and “No, Ma’am,” like being polite would negate the pain he caused.
