I still had the chance to have those things. Simon wasn’t my happiness. He wasn’t the only good thing I had in my life. I had Mom. I had my friends and my work. I had a little girl who needed me, too, no matter how long she was here for. Who needed a man for all that? Especially a cheater.
Heck, he’d been away so much over the past eighteen months that I’d spent half my time alone anyway. I didn’t need him to be happy, and I certainly didn’t need his cheating ass hanging around. I was better off without him.
Time was counting down. My heart beat harder. LaShelle would only be minutes away. I got moving, first dressing, then tidying the living room and removing anything that a crawling baby could get into. Then I went into the spare room, folded upthe Murphy bed, and unpacked the portable crib so it would be ready for her arrival.
That little girl needed me, and I'd be damned if I wasn't there for her.
two
Keeley
Ilooked down at Hannah where she lay sleeping peacefully in the portable crib. She was beautiful. A head of dark hair haloed her cherublike face. Long eyelashes curled over her cheeks, and her bow-shaped lips were perfection. She inhaled a wobbly breath, her body still recovering after she’d cried herself to sleep in LaShelle’s car on the ride from the hospital. Her face was turned toward me, her hands curled into fists on either side of her head, and her legs were bent at the knees, her little feet kept warm in the onesie she wore. I ached to pick her up and cuddle her, to make everything better. But I didn’t dare wake her.
I dimmed the lights and stepped away from the crib. My entire being screamed at me not to leave her. Protectiveness surged within me. My heart broke for the little angel fast asleep in her new room.
Hannah’s safe person—heck, her entire world—had just been ripped away from her. She was too young to understand why her mom hadn’t come to collect her from daycare. I couldn’t imagine how scared she would have been having a stranger take her fromher familiar surroundings, wondering where her mom was, why LaShelle was taking her, and where they going. She was only just learning to talk—she couldn’t ask the questions that needed answering. She wouldn’t have understood the responses either. But she now knew fear. She knew longing for something she could never have again. She knew heartbreak and what being in an unfamiliar environment with strangers felt like. Hannah had no idea what tragedy had just befallen her life—she’d already lost her dad, and now her mom—but she was already suffering the fallout from it.
It was only going to get worse when she woke up and found me, yet another stranger looking down at her. I desperately wanted to shield her from the pain and fear that she was in for. I cast my gaze up, thinking about her mom, Elise, and wishing she could see how much I wanted her daughter.
I wasn’t religious, but I hoped there really was an afterlife, one where Hannah’s mom and dad could watch over her and reassure her that while she was with me, I’d love and care for her. I could never replace her parents, but I would do my damnedest to be there for Hannah.
I wanted this little girl more than I wanted my next breath, and it wasn’t because of Simon’s actions either. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to care for a little person and watch them grow. The likelihood of Hannah not having other family was remote, and my dreams would probably end up a shattered mess at my feet, but I couldn’t help getting my hopes up. Could this little girl lying before me be the one? Could Hannah become my daughter?
Just thinking about the possibility had my heart beating harder. Excitement skittered through my veins at the thought.
Guilt followed swiftly and with a vengeance.
The gut punch almost doubled me over, stealing my breath and taking me out at the knees. This little girl, who was tooyoung to have to experience loss like this, could have lost everything and everyone important to her. She might be alone in the world.
Yet I was happy.
I was giddy at the thought of adopting her.
Ecstatic that I might become a mom.
I was a disgusting human being.
Every other child Si and I had fostered were only temporary placements and respite arrangements. We’d known they were going home. Still, we’d held out hope for every single one of them—a kind of sick and twisted optimism that one might get to stay. They only ever lived with us temporarily—anywhere from a couple of nights to a few months. Fourteen-year-old Andy had been our longest—he’d lived with us for eight months and thirteen days before moving in with his dad. I’d wanted those kids to go home once their relatives were in the position to take them back safely. But every time one left, it broke me. My heart was left shattered, each new loss another stab wound slowly killing my dream—our dream.
We’d grieved every one of their losses like we were losing our own child.
But this…. This was a new level of low. I was already picturing the changes I’d make to this bedroom so it became hers. I was already thinking of being a part of her firsts. I was already imagining her calling me Mamá and me telling her how loved she was.
I wanted there to be no one else who could look after her. I wished it. I prayed she was alone in the world.
I was a monster.
A selfish, heartless monster who was aching for an innocent baby’s pain so I could get to live my fantasies. It was the kind of thing horror movies were made of.
Hannah was barely a toddler. She could be bounced between homes, her childhood packed up into a trash bag and transported to one family after another. The thought killed me. Yet her being alone was exactly what I wanted. I yearned for it.
I was so desperate to be there for her, wanting it with every fiber of my being, that I was prepared to beg the universe for the worst to happen.
My intentions—the desire to give her a safe place to grow up, to fill her life with love and laughter—were irrelevant when it came from a place of such selfishness and greed.
I loved her already. Hearing her story had been enough. I hadn’t even needed to lay eyes on her to know I would cherish her. The moment LaShelle told me about her, I'd fallen. But the realization of my dreams would only happen if her pain and loss were absolute. And I wanted that. It was a sickening realization, one I hated myself for.
I pushed down those thoughts. Hannah wasn’t up for adoption. She needed emergency care. She likely had other family who would be searching for her the moment they were told about her mother’s death. I’d probably get a call tomorrow or the next day to tell me that she had other family—an aunt or uncle or grandparent. LaShelle would come and take her, and Hannah would grow up with a loving family. I’d get the dose of Karma I deserved.
