While she waited, Sarah’s mind turned to Amy and the rest of their conversation that Wednesday afternoon three weeks before in Amy’s flat, right before Amy had flown to LA.
Talking to her mentees was the easy part. Amy’s challenge to her, to explain what a future for them might look like, that had been so much harder, so much so that she’d been unable to describe it last time she saw her.
She’d been struggling with it for the weeks since, right up until the weekend just gone when Hugo had suggested a last minute weekend away as a family. The twins’ school had a few days off for staff training and, pushing the boundaries of school attendance a little, they’d booked a last minute long weekend in the sun, swapping the early Autumn weather of England for the still blistering heat of Dubai.
It was an extravagance, without a doubt, but it had been hard earned and the twins in particular had absolutely loved it, a hotel with a lavish buffet breakfast and dinner every day and its own water park… what wasn’t to love for a pair of six-year-olds?
There’d been a moment, on Sunday at the water park, watching Hugo waist deep in the pool with a twin under each arm, all three laughing so hard that they looked like they were struggling for breath, that Sarah had had two realisations… both of which had hit home hard.
The first was that her children mattered more than anything else in her life, more than her career, more than Amy, more than her own desires. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could compromise that.
And second… she realised that her and Hugo were performing a marriage for the twins’ benefit, and had been for longer than she wanted to admit. He was a good man, a wonderful father, and he deserved better than a wife who was going through the motions for him.
Neither realisation changed the holiday, and neither changed how she kept performing the marriage with Hugo… that night, when the children were asleep, they’d done what they always did and, despite the fact that she knew she was into women, she’denjoyed the attention he lavished on her. Not as much as if it had been a woman, granted, but still, she’d appreciated it.
On the flight home on Monday afternoon, as the twins watched their third Disney movie, she’d understood the shape of her plan. It wasn’t a plan to enact immediately, not rashly, not until there was something solid to go towards, but she could see now what leaving would look like. Spend more time back out west, close to the school and their current house, close enough that the children’s lives wouldn’t be upended. Let Hugo keep the house that he loved so much, downgrade the London flat and buy another home for her nearby, make it amicable… two lovers who’d become just good friends, putting the children first and co-parenting still as much as possible.
The day-to-day would be different. She’d have to revise the career trajectory as less time in London would mean that while she could still do what she did she wouldn’t be able to chase promotions… it would be an acceptance of her career flatlining, a necessary compromise because she’d be present more. Actually be there, for school runs and bedtime and all of the things she currently missed. It would mean a different life, less future money, less future status, and it would mean whoever she was with accepting that her geography was determined by her children, that London wouldn’t be the centre of things. She thought about Amy, about whether a twenty-eight-year-old building her own career could want that kind of life, spending weekends out of London, and she honestly didn’t know.
But it was how it would look, because her and Hugo only worked at the moment because they were both making sacrifices for their marriage and, without the marriage, they would both need to do more of what the other currently gave.
Amy… would that appeal?
Sarah honestly didn’t know, but then in reality this was about more than Amy. This was about anyone, about if Sarah ended up in a serious, long term relationship with another woman. She’d like it to be with Amy, God would that be good, but Sarah hadn’t got to where she was without a healthy dose of both pragmatism and scepticism.
Over the three weeks since they’d last seen each other they’d kept in contact, of course, and not just professionally. The messages had been cautious at first, inevitably after what had happened between them and the blunt conversations they’d shared, but as the three weeks had gone on it had got warmer. What that said about Amy’s other situation with Luisa Sarah wouldn’t dare to guess, but what she did know was that Amy seemed as excited as Sarah that they had an evening together planned for next Wednesday, one where they could talk and, Sarah hoped, do more than talk afterwards… it would be a month by then since James had walked in on them in bed together, and Sarah was desperate to do more than simply talk to Amy.
As far as she was concerned they had lost time to make up for.
***
Sarah saw Joanna come through the door and, after a moment scanning the room, see her and walk over to the table. She’d come straight from work and had the slightly wrung out look of someone who’d come back from a fortnight away to realise that no one had quite covered her work in the way she’d hoped. Sarah stood and they hugged briefly before sitting down.
“How was your holiday?”
“Good. Portugal. I needed it.” Joanna gratefully accepted as Sarah poured her a glass of wine. “I need this too.”
“Loving being back?”
“Don’t even go there…” Joanna replied, but her smile said she was relaxing already.
They chatted about Portugal for a while, then Sarah talked about Dubai, but after that Joanna leaned forward and looked intently at Sarah. “You mentioned in your message that you wanted to talk to me about something?”
Sarah nodded slowly, marshalling her thoughts. Fourth time it turned out was no easier than the first. “I wanted to talk about mentoring. Specifically… I need to change how things work between us.”
Joanna’s posture had stiffened a little, but she played it cool. “I’m listening.”
“We can keep the career side exactly the same. But… the other side of it, I need you to know that there’s no obligation. Not anymore.”
Joanna’s expression shifted. “The obligation?”
“The expectation. The idea that,” Sarah lowered her voice, “sleeping together is part of the deal. I want to take that off the table as a condition.” Sarah paused. “If you want to keep seeing me like that, purely because you enjoy it and for no other reason,then that’s your choice and I’d be happy to. But it can’t be tied to the mentoring any more. I’ve realised it’s not right.”
Joanna was quiet for a long moment. She took a sip of her wine then put the glass down carefully, her gaze never leaving Sarah.
“So you’re not ending things, you’re just… restructuring them?”
“I suppose so, yes.”
