The Essex County courthouse in Newark looks exactly the same as it did years ago when I first sat in a witness box and recounted my marriage to Malik and the night he was killed. Same metal detectors, same scuffed floors, and the smell of industrial disinfectant that can't quite mask the staleness of too many people's worst days.
I walked through the entrance flanked by my mother and sisters, their voices a protective bubble I couldn't quite hear through the roaring in my ears.
“You've got this,” Jordan murmured.
“We're right here,” Tamika added.
“You okay, baby?” My mother squeezed my arm.
“I'm fine.” The lie came automatically. I’d been saying it for two days straight to everyone, holding myself so tightly together that I might’ve shattered if someone breathed on me wrong.
They were there to support me, but deep down I knew they all needed me to be strong. Needed to see that their sister and daughter could handle reliving the worst period of her life with grace and composure.
So that's what I gave them.
We passed through the metal detector, gathering our belongings on the other side, then headed down the hallway to find my courtroom and wait for the prosecutor to call me in.
Jada stopped and grabbed my arm. “Alyssa, is that… Julian?”
I looked up, and my heart actually skipped a beat.
He was sitting on a bench against the wall, elbows on his knees, wearing a perfect suit among the chaos of the courthouse. When he looked up and saw me, he stood in one fluid motion and took long strides toward us.
Three weeks of silence. Of not knowing if we'd ever speak again.And here he was, in Newark, at nine-thirty in the morning, walking toward me like it was the most normal thing in the world.
We stopped a foot apart. Everything I wanted to say jammed in my throat.
“Hi, Gorgeous.” He smiled at me, like my mother and sisters weren't watching.
I crashed into him, arms draped around his neck. His arms came around my waist, squeezing tight.
“What are you…? How did you...?” I managed.
“You didn't think I'd let you walk in there without me, did you?” His voice was rough against my ear. “Once a bulldozer, always a bulldozer.”
I pulled back to look at him, eyes burning. He was here. Despite our fight, despite everything, he was here. Tears blurred my vision and despite my attempts to rein it in, a convulsive sob broke free, punching out of me in a broken exhale, jerking my shoulders forward. Then another as Julian pulled me back into him.
“No, Lyss… don’t cry.Shh.Shh.” His thumb brushed tears away before they could fall further.
“I’m so sorry, Julian,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Shh, don’t.I’msorry, Alyssa. Me.” His eyes were soft and pained. “You were right. Don’t cry. I hate that you’re crying because of me.” He dabbed at my face with a cloth he pulled out of nowhere. “We’ll talk later, okay? Right now. Just you. Getting through this. That’s what matters.”
I nodded, clinging to him like I was afraid he’d vanish. I took a deep breath against his chest as he held me close.
“You smell good,” I whimpered.
He huffed a laugh, his chest jerking against me. “So do you.” He took a deep inhale and pressed a kiss to my forehead, holding it there, rubbing my back.
He pulled back and locked his eyes on mine. I saw the tense set of his jaw, felt it in the uneven pull of his breath. He wanted toreallykiss me, but held back. Like he knew that if we started, neither of us would stop.
“Julian.” My mother's voice cut through the moment. “We weren't expecting you. Such a busy man with a business to run. I hope Alyssa didn't pull you away from anything important.” She looked at me.
Her subtext to me was clear:Don't be too demanding. Don't ask for too much. You'll drive him away.
I tensed, reflex rising, ready to make myself smaller;You don't have to stay, I know you're busy,was already halfway up my throat.
I opened my mouth, but Julian spoke first. “She didn't ask me to come, Ms. Carter. She didn't even tell me about the hearing.”
