“That’s what you are doing,” I said. “These people need a person who knows where they are going and can get them there safely. I trust you to do that, and it will keep you out of danger.”
She still looked like she was hurt, but I couldn’t tell if she was beating herself up or if she was mad at me for sending her away.
“Will you do it? Will you lead them to safety?” It was the only thing I could ask. I didn’t have the heart to ask anything deeper for fear of what she might say.
“I’ll do it,” she murmured.
We stood like that for a few seconds, an awkward silence building between us. I didn’t know how to make it better, and I didn’t have time to do that. My stomach sank with each moment that went by.
“I’ve got to go,” I said, the words coming out in a miserable tone that I’d never heard come from my mouth before.
“Okay. Be careful,” she said, her eyes still distant. I couldn’t help but think she was mentally comparing herself to Naphele again, and that thought made my stomach twist into knots.
Stepping forward, I took her hand, desperate for a moment of connection before I headed out the door for war. June kissed me, but it was chaste and simple. A perfunctory gesture, rather than one of love and intimacy. Her mind was too wrapped up in everything she couldn’t do. Based on her reaction, I couldn’t help but think that she believed she was letting us down somehow. It was almost like she was pulling away from me. Not because I had done something, but because she didn’t feel like she was living up to some arbitrary standard she’d set for herself or thought I had. It tore at me, but I couldn’t think of how to show her that she was enough and always would be. Icy fingers clenched deep in my stomach as I released her hand and walked to the door. I opened it and glanced back, but June wasn’t looking at me, she was staring at the floor with a sullen and angry look on her face. Hanging my head, I closed the door behind me.
“Is everything okay?” Rainier asked.
Ignoring that, I addressed the other alphas. “Is everyone ready?”
They all nodded. Hakeem gestured to the group behind them. “All set. We gonna go kick some ass or what?”
Nodding grimly, I clenched my jaw, the muscles in my neck flexing.
“Yes, we are,” I growled.
86
JUNIPER
Once Levi was out the front door, I grabbed my coat and rushed out the back door. Lungs burning, eyes stinging, I headed straight for the store, doing my best to stay out of sight. I didn’t want Levi to see me. He might call out to me and try to continue our discussion. My heart was hurting too much for that. I couldn’t stomach it. Not right now.
Rounding the corner, I spotted the bright redCLOSEDsign in the window. My grandparents must have already made their way to the school gym. Refugees, ready to be led off to Hidden Grove. Led by me.
Leaning against the locked door, I slid down until I sat on the cold concrete sidewalk. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I laid my face on my forearms and sobbed. Hot tears dripped down my face onto the ground. All I could think about was the fact that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t Naphele, and I never would be. I couldn’t go out there and fight for the people and the place I loved. No matter how much I tried to put Naphele behind me, she kept popping up. She was strong, powerful, a good fighter, and assured of herself on the battlefield. That was what Levi needed and wanted, whether he admitted it or not. I could see it in his eyes, hear it in how he spoke.
I knew it wasn’t safe for me out there, but that didn’t stop the stinging hurt of knowing that another woman would be better at the side of the man I loved, even if that woman had been dead for a hundred years.
All the same shit kept coming back up. Each time I thought something had changed, it circled back around like a nightmare that wouldn’t end. Levi could say he’d left Naphele behind, but the truth was there for anyone with eyes and ears to see and hear. I could never live up to her. At first it was Levi that couldn’t leave her behind, and now it was me trying to live up to her. How could we ever get past this? Could we get past it? Or was all this over before it had even really begun?
“June?”
My head snapped up at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. My eyes were blurred with tears, and I had to wipe them furiously.
“Yes?” I mumbled, my voice thick from crying.
“Are you okay?”
Once my vision cleared, I was able to see who it was. Blaise Boucher.
“Blaise?” I said dumbly, stumbling to my feet. “What are you doing here?” I glanced around. “I thought you and the other alphas were headed off with… well, you know.”
“Yeah, we were,” he said, and he was looking at me with concern, which only made me feel worse. “But I thought you were going too.”
“I guess that was two of us,” I said, my bitterness leaching into my voice.
Blaise frowned, looking uncomfortable. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“I’m fine.” There was no reason for this poor man to deal with my emotional breakdown. “How did you find me?”
