There’s a war raging inside him, reflected in his eyes. I’d been so focused on my own pain that I didn’t see the circle of red around them.“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but it’s true. But we can make it through this. We’ve done it many times before.”
The nurse and the doctor slip out to give us privacy. I wait until they’re gone before I answer.
“Nothing is ever going to be all right again. Nothing.” After so many lost babies, I don’t know how we can ever make it back to how things were, to how we were.
I’m looking at my husband and I don’t even feel anything. He’s hurting as much as I am, but I’m finding it hard to reach out and comfort him. Our combined pain is like a huge boulder standing between us. Even though I can feel his touch, it feels distant.
“We can try again,” he says.
“No,” I retort. Anger hardens my face. “We won’t. I can’t go through this again.”
My chest shakes as sobs erupt from within me. The tears flood my throat, and I cough as they choke me.
Alex holds me for a long time. Sometimes I push him away and sometimes I reach for him. I have no idea what I want. I want him to stay, and I want him to go. I blame him somehow for what happened and at the same time I know it’s not his fault.
But there’s one person I blame more than anyone else. Me.
It was my job to protect my baby. I was her mother, and she’s another child that I have let down. Maybe inside my dream she was already dead, and I didn’t want to see it. But she had felt so warm in my arms. She was alive and breathing. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would hold her.
We came so close to the finish line. Even the checkup in Nashville went well. The doctor didn’t see any cause for alarm.
I also blame the person who killed Brittney McLaren. That’s what started it all. Everything was going well. I was calm. The baby was healthy and safe inside my belly.
Hearing about Jeffrey possibly being the murderer shook me. I could feel Lavinia’s pain, and I relived the torture that had plagued me when the same thing happened to Alex.
I still don’t believe it’s Jeffrey. I think the police made a mistake. But whoever committed the crime also killed my little girl. They need to be brought to justice, to pay for more than the rape and death of Brittney. I will do everything I can to make sure justice is served.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” Alex asks, sweeping back my damp hair from my face. “Anything.”
“I want my baby back.” I turn away from him to look at the other side of the room, closing my eyes and wishing for sleep.
“I wish I could bring her back,” he says quietly, then he gets into the bed next to me, holding me tight. It takes all my energy not to move away from him. Him comforting me confirms it’s all true. We’ve lost yet again.
“I wish it could have been me instead of her,” I tell him.
“Don’t you ever say that.” He kisses me. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”
“But I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
“You don’t have to do it alone. I’m here. We’ll get through it together.”
I don’t let out the words I really want to say to him because they will hurt him deeply. He was the father of our child. He saw the ultrasound photos. He kissed my swollen belly and whispered words of love to his child. But his pain cannot be the same as mine. I felt the baby from deep inside me. I got to carry her.
There’s no coming back from this. Something inside me has shifted. I’m no longer the same person I was yesterday or even a few weeks ago. I’m a broken, angry woman hungry for justice. One day, I will get it.
Chapter 18
I’m sitting in an armchair by the windows overlooking the lake.
Two white birds are flying over the shimmering water. One dips its claw into the liquid, then flies off after the others.
I ache to be one of them, to be free from my pain.
I was discharged from the hospital seven days ago. In the days that followed, I slept a lot, cried a lot, and sat in this same armchair staring out at the water for hours.
I’ve been depressed before, but this is something else, a numbness I can’t explain.
I’m dead inside. All signs of hope have been snuffed out.
