As I sit there, waves of grief and gratitude wash through me, but they aren’t only my own. They are also Fen’s.
His loss, his relief, and his fierce, aching thankfulness press into me until I can’t quite tell where his emotions end and mine begin. My chest tightens, and old grief claws its way back to the surface, dredged up by his echoing pain.
It’s too much. I’m swamped, drowning in a tide of feelings that don’t belong solely to me.
‘Rose?’ Kyor asks softly, his voice a steady line through the chaos.
I drag in a shaky breath. ‘It’s … it’s so much to take in.’
He nods, understanding flickering across his face. ‘The emotions are overwhelming at first. Sharing the mental space … it’s tougher than the physical side of it. You need to learn to compartmentalise. To sense him but not be submerged in his feelings.’
‘Okay,’ I say, clinging to his words like a lifeline. ‘And how exactly do I do that?’
Kyor shifts closer, his voice quiet and reassuring, as if he were leading me in a meditation. ‘Start by anchoring yourself. Focus on something that is yours alone. Your breath. Your body. The feel of the ground beneath you. Fen will still be there, but you don’t have to carry everything he’s carrying. Your breath. Your body. Take in a deep breath, Rose. Concentrate on the feeling of the air drawing in and then breathing it back out again.’
I do as he suggests, taking in a deep breath and focusing on the sensation of my lungs rising with the new air before deflating with the expulsion of the old.
It feels right to think of old and new, now that my fresh bond with Fen brings about a whole new future.
I’m bonded. With a dire wolf.
I assumed my childhood dreams of bonding with a dire wolf were exactly that. Childish. And by the time we sank into the slums, I’d let go of the idea, along with so much more.
And now it is my reality. Another gift from the Goddess.
A flicker of warmth brushes my mind, careful this time. Gentle. A caress. An apology.
I forgot, Fen says ruefully, his presence drawing back just a fraction.Forgot how raw the beginning is.
I continue to breathe, to feel the movement of the air, and slowly the pressure eases, just enough that I can hear my own thoughts again. I can feel Fen, but there is a little distance between us now, like I need to reach out to touch him rather than him taking up all the limited space in my mind.
‘That,’ Kyor says quietly, watching my face, ‘is what it feels like when you’re doing it right. Just take your time. This is a gift.’
‘For me, undoubtedly, but for him?’ I murmur, scrubbing a hand across my lips as my heart sinks. ‘The last thing Fen needs after losing Zelle is to be bonded to someone like me.’
Kyor’s expression pinches. ‘Rose, he chose you because of who you are. Besides, without this new bond, he would have died. And for what it’s worth, I think Zelle would be very proud of his decision.’
‘Yeah,’ I say flatly. ‘Better me than death.’ My voice comes out more bitter than intended.
Little Raven…Fen whispers in my mind as if asking permission to speak to me.
I grant it.
I have awaited death for these past moons, willing it to come. Confused when it did not. My loss burned through me but did not feel as others have described. As those who have been robbed of their bond have told me. I was grieving and lost, yes, but my limbs did not feel weak.Idid not feel weak. All I knew was that I had to keep moving. Every day, travelling.He pauses before he admits,I believed then that I was moving towards my death. But I do not believe that anymore. I was travelling towards you, Little Raven. The Gods chose you. And I chose you. I’m sorry if it is not what you would have chosen for yourself.
A lump lodges in my throat as I fight to believe I am misunderstanding. The way that Fen speaks is almost as if he thinksheis unworthy of me. And nothing could be further from the truth.
I would always choose you,I whisper back softly, the words as true as the air in my lungs.I would always choose you.
Reassurance given, Fen’s mind sinks away from mine again and I take a few steadying breaths to help that distance grow. As my mind comes back to the moment, I notice the way Kyor’s eyes are assessing me. Not as a lover’s, but as a commander’s.
He’s done this before. Helped new knights with their nascent bond.
I clear my throat, unsure how to respond.
I start in the only place that I can. ‘Thank you for your help, and for letting Ruben help me.’ I smile and shoot for a little humour. ‘And for still not killing Benny.’
‘I haven’t ruled that out yet,’ he says, and though he flashes me a smile, the humour fades quickly. ‘I was scared, Rose. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t focus. The fear …’
