Her bottom lip trembles and her control snaps. Tears start to stream down her face, and she gives a sharp shake of her head.
But even though she knows it’s true, it doesn’t make it easier; I get that. Trying to reconcile the heart and mind can be like trying to get a dire wolf into a dog collar. Sometimes things just don’t go together, and if you try to force them, they’ll bite you.
I sit then and let the silence stretch, comforting and unjudging.Hopefully it’s enough for her to know that if she wants to talk, I’m here. And if not … well, I’m not going anywhere in that case either.
As the fire crackles and spits, I reach out and take her hand, lacing her fingers with mine, wondering if she might resist, but she doesn’t.
Caz has been through so fucking much. She deserves some happiness, even if she can’t see it right now.
I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if Kyor died. Just the thought sucker-punches me.
He may never forgive me, and we may be done, but to imagine a world without him in it – where he doesn’t fill every room with his ridiculous charisma and arrogance – takes me back to that nightmare all over again. The one where I thought I’d lost him to the Rotting wound. And if he’d been taken from me before …
In Caz’s shoes, I don’t think I’d be standing, let alone gallivanting across Morathka to help a friend.
Caz’s happiness is all Llin would have wanted; I’m sure as Rottings walk the earth.
You’re allowed to live,I think, not wanting to disturb her thoughts with words she’s not yet ready to hear.You’re allowed to feel more than one thing. And liking Thessa is not a betrayal – it is living. Llinos wouldn’t want you to punish yourself. Llinos would want you to be happy.It’s all true, and I will her to feel my unspoken words, to somehow take them into her heart.
We remain there in silence, Caz fighting to reconcile her feelings and me hoping that my presence is enough for now.
As strange as it is, I find I’m grateful for that dream that woke me. For the weight that pressed down on me as I slept. Hopefully my presence has gone a little way towards easing Caz’s pain.
‘She wouldn’t want this,’ Caz murmurs, a shuddering breath rattling from her. ‘She wouldn’t want me punishing myself.’
‘No,’ I agree softly. ‘She wouldn’t.’
Caz wipes her face, embarrassed to have let go in front of me. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to?—’
‘You don’t have to apologise for missing her. Not ever.’
‘Thank you.’ Sadness continues to glaze her eyes, but she tries tosmile through it. ‘You’re good at this, you know. The whole comforting thing.’
‘Thanks.’ I offer a matching half-smile in response. If I do have an ability to comfort, it’s a skill that’s been learned and learned recently. Learned through loss after loss. Truthfully, it’s one skill I would happily part with if it meant my life had taken a different route.
She gives a small nod, then glances at me, frowning slightly. ‘That was strange,’ she says. ‘For a second there, it felt like …’ She trails off, shaking her head. ‘Never mind. I’m just tired.’
‘Sleep. I’ll take over now,’ I tell her, but the frown remains on her brow for a moment longer before she forces herself to smile.
‘Thank you, Rose. For everything.’ She stands up and walks over to the mat I vacated, taking her own blanket with her. I watch as she curls up to sleep, and I think that at least today I’ve been a good friend.
My eyes drift to Kyor, and his body is so rigid, it’s clear he’s not yet sleeping.
A good friend, I think, but a lousy true love.
Quarrels about navigationstart almost as soon as we rise. We are back to riding through Afaven Forest, but Kyor and Thessa have been quietly arguing about whether we should head west to Rowell or east to Dorain. For now, we head north until we decide what makes the most sense.
With no decision made, Kyor rides ahead, alone on Elska, while Benny’s new mare, being the most skittish around the wolf, is at the very rear. The space between them is something we’re all grateful for, though it does little to erase the tension rippling through the group as we ride.
Ruben rides next to Benny, carrying Loch with him, and Thessa and Caz are in front of them, deep in conversation.
Stide rides next to me, but by the time we stop for lunch, she still hasn’t said a word, though she did give me a tight nod, which was something.
After lunch, she tries a little more conversation. ‘The wolf man is angry,’ she begins. ‘Well, more angry than before,’ she amends.
Wolf man. It’s a step up from dog boy. Does that mean she’s softening towards him? Towards us?
I grimace. ‘Yes, he is. He’s not happy with Benny and me.’ I don’t offer the reason why, and I’m grateful when she doesn’t press.
