The first few nights were brutal. I was utterly alone for the first time in my life. In college I’d had roommates, then there was Ben, then Matt. But now it was just me. And that was okay. Being alone forced me to confront things I’d been avoiding. I realized I like puzzles. Like really like them. Logic puzzles, Sudoku, jigsaws, crosswords—I like the way solving them gives me clarity. I like mystery and crime shows, too, and I yell at the screen when I figure out the culprit before the characters. I’m learning what excites me, what keeps me engaged, what makes me feel alive.
I’ve also discovered that knowing who I am makes me more approachable. I’ve made fast friends with a few women from work, especially Amy, who has this laugh that makes me forget everything else for a while. And the best part? I don’t feel guilty anymore. If I tell someone I’m not interested in going out or that I’m heading home to work on a puzzle, they understand. I’m learning that my choices don’t need justification. I’m allowed to prioritize myself.
Even the pregnancy, which once felt like a cage, has become part of my self-discovery. I bought myself some maternity clothes, not because I have to, but because I want to embrace this stage of life on my own terms. I’m not hiding from it anymore. I’m living it.
Looking back, it’s funny how many times I thought I was happy until I truly was. Happiness isn’t a moment someone hands you, it’s the result of choices you make for yourself. And right now, I’m finally making those choices. I’m finally happy.
Chapter 54
Liz, April 7
Matt and I met with my lawyer today. I never would’ve guessed you needed a lawyer to break up with someone, but Amy’s sister is a lawyer and she suggested it. Apparently these paternity rights are no joke.
Matt was agreeable, even pleasant. We came up with a plan I think we can all live with. He didn’t try to pretend work isn’t his number one priority, so I didn’t have to lecture him. He even said once that he could “agree to that assuming work didn’t interfere.” Maybe he’s also learning who he is. Good for him.
As we walked out of the office, I caught myself thinking of Ben—not in a longing way, not really—but in that quiet, background way where your brain files old connections under “lessons learned.” He always had a knack for seeing through me, for asking questions I wasn’t ready to answer, and maybe that’s part of why I trust my own judgment now.
I shoved that thought aside and focused on the present. I focused on my life, my choices, my future. Then I rubbed my hand along my belly again, there was only one other person I ever had to consider again. “You and me, kid,” I whispered. “We’re gonna be a great team.”
Chapter 55
Liz, April 14
Ashley from work is getting married. I actually thought this would be hard for me, to sit through an engagement party with a smile. It’s not at all. This party isn’t about me and I’m perfectly aware of that. The new me is very social, it’s fantastic. Amy and I are sitting in a circle of guests watching Ashley open engagement gifts. Someone asks, “How did you know he was the one?” Ashley’s face just lights up. I notice it, it’s beautiful. I’m so happy for her.
“You know when I noticed?” she asks. Everyone nods, including me. I genuinely want to know. “I was really upset about something a student did one day…” Ashley teaches students with anger management issues, I should probably mention that. “…and when he saw how upset I was, he instantly comforted me. He knew exactly when to hug me, when to make me laugh, and when to get me a glass of wine. I realized right then and there that any man who knew me that well, better than I even knew myself, was the man I should marry.” The entire room oohs and aahs at the story.
I smile at Amy.
“What are you smiling at?” she asks.
“Nothing, I just realized something,” I tell her. My mind flits for a moment to someone who once asked me to look at life clearly, to trust my own instincts. Ben. Not in longing, just in quiet acknowledgment of how he shaped me to recognize what I actually wanted.
“Yeah, what’s that?” she asks.
“That I can feel proud of my own choices,” I say, and I do. That sense of clarity is mine now. My confidence, my instincts, they aren’t borrowed from anyone else.
“I think I have to go somewhere, tell Ash I said congratulations.” I’m already on my phone before Amy can even respond; if I don’t find a way to go now I will never go. Even as I step away, I feel the echo of past guidance in the back of my mind, subtle but steady, like a faint hand on my shoulder telling me I can trust myself.
Chapter 56
Ben, April 18
Through the noise of the shower, I think I hear banging. At first, I try to ignore it, but it keeps coming, louder this time. “Kyle, Zach, someone answer the door.” I finish rinsing the soap out of my hair and turn off the water. Still, the banging persists.
“I’m coming, I’m coming… hold on.” I wrap a towel hastily around my waist and jog to the front door. It’s about 5 AM on a Saturday. It’s cold, it’s dark, and I should be sleeping. But, if I’m being honest, sleep has been a stranger to me for months. I flick on the porch light as I fling open the door.
The dim yellow glow catches her first. The hair is shorter, layered to her chin. She’s wrapped in a grey, fluffy jacket and wheeling a small black suitcase behind her. My eyes take in the comfortable shoes, the lack of makeup, the casual clothes. And then my gaze drops. The belly.
My breath catches.
She shifts from foot to foot, trying to look composed, but I see it all. The worry, the determination, the exhaustion. The suitcase behind her looks heavier than it should, but she doesn’t complain. She doesn’t plead. She just stands there, letting me take it all in.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. My brain stutters. That’s her—Liz. The one I haven’t been able to stop thinking about, the one who taught me to notice what I truly want. And now… here she is, standing at my doorstep in the early morning light, carrying a life I didn’t know existed, and I’m supposed to act normal?
I clear my throat, step aside, and mutter, “Come in.”
She gives a small nod, wheeling the suitcase past me, and in that moment, everything changes. The apartment feels too small for all the tension, the history, the unspoken words. I need to find my footing fast, but I already know one thing: this isn’t a morning that will pass quietly.
