She flushes and looks down. “Sorry.”
We sit in a heavy silence, both of us staring at the table. Inside my head is a snarled yarn ball. I want to be mad at Phoebe. I want to be mad at Jihoon and Hana. I can even see that anger, a twisted dark red strand woven through this big mess.
I’m so tired of being angry. I’m tired of my sister not being in my life. Tonight has battered me down enough that I don’t have the energy to avoid this conversation anymore. I’m on a roll with awkward talks anyway, right? Might as well keep going.
It takes me a few tries to get the words out. “Why do you never email? Call me?”
Phoebe breathes out hard enough to send her crumbs flying into my lap. “It’s hard.”
“What’s so hard about picking up the phone?”
She rips the corner off one of her croissants. “You tell me.”
I clamp my lips shut.
Phoebe continues, “You’re always so upset with me when I try. You make a big deal about how busy you are and…” She pauses before giving a little what-the-hell shrug. “It hurts, okay? It hurts that you and Dad insist on thinking I’m some screwup because I don’t want what you want.”
“You’re older than me.”
Phoebe eyes me in astonishment. “So?”
“You left when I was thirteen!Momtold me you dropped out. You didn’t even tell me yourself.”
“I was only twenty. I was scared. Dad was so mad, you have no idea. Like,furious. He made it clear that I would be a bad influence.”
It takes a minute for me to find the words. “Dad told you to stay away from me?”
She frowns. “Not really.”
“Then kind of.”
“He made it clear you were on a different path in life. Dad’s a short-term, narrowly focused workaholic, but he’s not cruel like that. It was my choice because I thought it was best.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t talk to me. Me, the person this affected most.” I also can’t believe we’re having this talk in a food court, but now that we’ve started this discussion, I don’t know if I can stop. The red string tightens enough to squeeze the rest of the ball and force out my words.
“I couldn’t.” Phoebe sounds sad. “By the time I realized how dense I was being, you didn’t want to talk. You were always at school or working, and we were at different points in our lives. It got harder and harder. We grew too far apart.”
“Yeah.” She’s right.
“I missed you.” Her voice is so quiet, I barely hear it.
I missed you, too. Agitated, I want to get up and go, the same way I did at Longplay, the same way she did when we had coffee. It’s easier, and I can focus on what I’ve told myself matters most. Work, which has always been straightforward, with rules I understand. Work, which is usually controllable and generally predictable.
“I want to have a sister again,” she says. “I want to be a sister.”
The red yarn snaps under the pressure, and the breath I draw in is so jerky, it hurts. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Then let’s not for a bit, at least about this.” Phoebe pulls back but not in a bad way.
“Okay.” I take the reprieve gratefully. There’s a lot to think through, and I can’t right now. My mind hasn’t led me to the best places lately, leaving me tentative about everything I thought was a certainty.
“We can talk instead about why you’re here when you’d usually be in the office.”
I’m too tired to lie and about three minutes away from complete collapse. “It’s Jihoon.”
She nods. “He’s going back to Korea for StarLune?”
My mouth drops open. Phoebe watches me with concern.
