I drop my head. “I guess. Not to mention Dad’s furious with me. Worse, he’s disappointed.”
“Oh no. Hold up. Let’s tackle that one. It’s okay if people are disappointed. It’s more about them than you.”
“I guess,” I say uncertainly.
“I know you’ve internalized some shit about needing to be stable or responsible, but Mom and Dad aren’t made of glass. You don’t need to structure your life around them.”
“Dad’s invested in me being a lawyer. It means a lot to him.”
“Who’s more invested in your life? You or him?”
I know the correct answer is me, but I don’t know if it’s the honest one.
Phoebe puts her elbows on the counter. “Look, your life is not Dad’s life. You can’t keep trying to fulfill what he couldn’t.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“All this big law stuff.”
“Dad didn’t want to be in a law firm. He wanted his own business.” That’s what he always told us, that he wanted the freedom of doing his own thing.
“He didn’t have a choice. You think it’s bad now? How many Bay Street firms do you think were hiring Chinese lawyers back then?”
“That doesn’t mean he got rejected.”
She looks uncomfortable. “I may have overheard him talking to Mom when we were younger. He didn’t come out and say it, but it was clear what happened.”
“You might have misinterpreted.”
“Possibly, but can you look at your firm and tell me I’m wrong?”
She’s not but… “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. If anything, this makes me feel worse.”
“No, no.” She shakes her head so hard, her hair flies out. “That’s the exact opposite of the point I’m making. Again, it’s got nothing to do with you. This is a Dad thing.”
“What do I do, then? About this whole mess?”
She lets me change the subject. “I can’t tell you that,” she says. “I do know nothing will happen if you sit here in this dirty apartment feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not the Ari I know. Now get off your duff. I’m not doing all this cleaning by myself.”
The fresh apartment sparks a need for change, which means it’s time to make some plans. The day after Phoebe’s visit, I go to High Park and climb a small fence to reach my favorite picnic bench beside Grenadier Pond. It’s warm, so I can sit in the wan autumn sunlight to assess my choices.
I spread my notebook to a fresh page and jot down a list of options for my future life.
Yesterly and Havings
Ines
Travel
Back to school
Live off the land as a hermit
Other (please specify)
I leave the notebook to walk a few steps in a personal cleansing ritual, then come back and look at my list again.
Time for inspiration. I go to my StarLune playlist and click on “Two of Swords.” I have a complicated set of thoughts about Jihoon, but this song reflects exactly what I’m going through. How does he manage to distill my tangled mess of thoughts into a melody? I suppose it comes with the territory of being an award-winning songwriter.
