Phoebe:You ok?
Me:No
Phoebe:I promise I won’t tell them how you cried when mom washed your teddy bear.
Me:Thanks.
Phoebe:
I see a few missed calls from Hana, but I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Instead, I go to my room and pack.
Forty-Three
I’m not so immature that I’m going to run off without talking to Jihoon. Iamsufficiently immature that I’m ready to leave right after I talk with him since there’s no way it’s going to be a rewarding conversation. That final and still unanswered text I sent to him stands as the most regretted action of my entire life, even worse than when I got a perm.
There are reasons I never open myself up. The disappointment. The hurt. The humiliation at reading it all wrong.
I slick my hair back in its usual bun and pull on the clothes I arrived in. Then I wait.
When Jihoon arrives back at the apartment, it’s night, and the Seoul buildings glow through the window. He’s alone and pauses at the door to take off his shoes, head bent low and hand lingering on the wall to support himself.
I stay silent as he comes into the living room because I’m not sure what to say. He joins me at the window, eyes lingering on my bun. “This is not how I wanted it to go,” he says.
“You told them I was a sasaeng.” It’s not even a question.
“That’s not what I agreed Newlight would put out,” he says as he reaches for me. I step neatly to the side to keep some distance between us, and his hand falls to his side.
“No?”
“I approved a statement that said the photo was misleading. I didn’t want to say anything at all, but the company insisted.”
Misleading. I bite my cheek. “What exactly did you want the statement to say?”
“That you are a friend of my cousin.”
I wait but that seems to be it. “Not that we’re involved.”
He pulls on his earring, the one I gave him. “No. The statement I wanted would be clear that we are not in a relationship. Now is not the right time to announce it.”
“What’s so bad about admitting we’re together?” I demand. “Am I that terrible a choice?”
“I’m sorry, Ari. There’s nothing wrong with us dating, but it needs to be planned carefully. It’s not safe for you, and we also need to focus on our comeback. I can’t let the others down, and I’d be too distracted with this if our relationship came out.”
At the purely intellectual level, it’s quite the experience to be denied so publicly, especially since we never had the official What Are We relationship talk. It’s like a koan: What is the sound of dumping a girlfriend who wasn’t a girlfriend?
“What distraction? You tell them the truth. People will understand you’re entitled to your life.”
In the reflection on the window, he looks tired and so do I, my tight bun causing unflattering shadows to fall on my face.
“The company originally wanted to remove me from the band,” he says. “To apologize and go on hiatus.”
I step back. “For seeing someone?”
“You know some fans don’t like it,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “They were circulating a petition to have me removed because I wasn’t fully dedicated to StarLune.”
“That’s what you did, then. You let them throw me under the bus for your career because a few people made a fuss about a part of yourlife they have no right to interfere with.” I desperately want a time machine so I can take back that fucking text.
