Christine arches a brow. “And so could you.”
“Sure,” I scoff. “Just as soon as we get past all the childhood trauma and the emotional unavailability.”
“You’re more than those things,” she says. “You’re hardworking and thoughtful and kind. Anyone with eyes can see that.”
My lips turn down in a frown. “I just…worry that he’s going to realize I’m not enough for him.”
“Is this thing between you…serious?”
“No,” I say immediately, probably with too much emphasis. “No. It’s nothing like that. We’re just…having a good time.”
Even as I say it, the words feel weird on my tongue. Almost like I’m making excuses for myself. Sure, I can call him a sometimes bed buddy and tell myself we’re just having fun, but that doesn’t explain away how much I’ve missed him since he left. How much he seems to dominate my thoughts lately. No, I worry that things between Jack and me might be a lot more than justhaving a good time—but I’m afraid that I’m the only one who feels that way.
“Does Ian know?”
I snort. “No. Probably best that he never finds out. He’d lose it.”
“I think your brother might surprise you,” Christine says with a smile.
“That’s not what this is, anyway,” I mumble feebly, not really feeling like the words ring true.
And that’s the problem, I think. That even though I was the one who insisted this thing between Jack and me is nothing more than a casual fling—there is still a part of me that wonders what it might be like if it were something more. I can’t pretend that the idea of him with another woman doesn’t make me wither with jealousy, just like I can’t pretend that I don’t wish he were home right now so I could let him touch me until these murky feelings don’t feel so heavy.
“Well, regardless,” Christine continues, “you can’t let the badthings in your life rob you of the good. Just because things have gone wrong in the past, doesn’t mean they’re destined to always go wrong in your future.”
“It’s really not like that,” I protest, the words sounding flimsy, even to me.
Christine just gives me a knowing smile. “Whatever you say, dear.”
“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”
She gives me alook. “You should know better.”
“Right, right, I’m sorry. It’s just been…a confusing few weeks.”
“I can imagine. I know you and Jack didn’t really get along in the past.”
“I think that was more my fault,” I tell her honestly. “I was so sure that he was just some sillier version of my dad, that getting closer to him would leave me hurt. I don’t think he would do it on purpose, especially now, but I just…”
“It’s hard to let those notions go when you’ve held on to them this long,” she finishes knowingly.
“Exactly.”
“Well, I know there’s nothing I can really do to ease your fears,” she says, “but I can tell you that Idon’tthink Jack is the type to hurt someone on purpose.”
“I know,” I answer with a sigh. “I know you’re right.”
And I do, I realize. I believe that he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. But I know that hurting me by accident would be just as bad. I’ve experienced enough hurt from the people who are supposed to care about me to know I can’t stomach going through it again.
“Maybe you shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself,” Christine suggests.
“What do you mean?”
“You said it’s only been a few weeks, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, you don’t have to figure everything out right away. If you’re ‘having a good time,’ as you put it, then allow yourself to do that. Not everything has to be figured out all at once. You can take your time, you know? See where it goes.”
