I scowl as I lean against the counter. It’s an understatement, really, but it’s not like I can go blurting out my feelings for Abby to my sister whenAbbyhasn’t even heard them yet.
“I don’t know if it matters,” I answer forlornly. “I fucked everything up.”
“What happened?”
I stalk across the room to plop down on the couch beside her, leaning my head against the back of it as I let out a sigh. “I was a real ass to her last night.”
“I mean, I gathered that much with the way she showed up looking like she wanted to cry.”
My chest squeezes at the thought of making Abby cry. I swallow thickly around the lump in my throat, sort of wanting another one of my pills with the way my chest starts to feel too tight. But that’s not something I want Dee knowing about.
“I had another doctor’s appointment yesterday,” I tell her.
Dee nods. “I knew that. So?”
“I asked Abby to go with me.”
Her brows lift. “That’s…How serious are you two?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I say with a shake of my head. “The point is, she was there when I got more bad news.”
“What bad news?”
So I tell her everything—from the doctor’s confirmation of my diagnosis to his encouragement to do the exact same thing everyone else has been saying I should—and Dee listens quietly through all of it. Even the parts where I tell her all the horrible things I said to Abby when we got back home.
“I just can’t believe I made her feel like she doesn’t mean anything,” I say woefully. “I was just so angry and scared. I wasn’t even thinking about what was coming out of my mouth. The things I said…I know they had to hit her hard. Especially with everything she’s been through.”
“Did you apologize?”
“I tried to…She wouldn’t hear it. I think I really fucked up this time, Dee.”
Dee looks at me thoughtfully, considering everything I’ve said. “And did you really mean those things you said to her?”
“Of course I didn’t—”
“I mean all the stuff you said about not mattering withouthockey. Do you really think that you have no worth outside of it? Because that’s bullshit, Jack.”
My lips press together in a frown, and I duck my head to my chest, unable to look at her. “And if I did? I mean, it’s not like I have a lot going for me outside of it. I’m not like you and Ian. I don’t have this little family unit you’ve made. My mom doesn’t own a hockey team, I don’t have my own show, I don’t haveanythingto fall back on if this goes tits up.”
“It’s not like you haven’t made good money over the years. You wouldn’t hurt for it.”
“It’s not so much about the money…”
“Then what is it about?”
“Do you remember when I used to play back in school?”
“I mean…mostly? I was kind of young when you started, but I remember going to all your high school games.”
“You and Bea would get so excited every time you came out. You’d get sohappywhen I won. It made me feel like…like I was doing something important. Ever since Mom and Dad died…I spent a lot of time feeling untethered. Like I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with my life. Hockey is the first thing that just madesenseto me, and it felt like it brought us all a little closer together after we lost them. Ilikedthat feeling. I liked feeling like I was making you and Bea happy, after everything. I guess…I guess I never really let go of that.”
“Oh, Jack,” Dee says softly. “You know it’s never beenyourresponsibility to take care of me and Bea, right? You were just a kid too.”
“I mean, maybe deep down I know that, but it was so hard. You were so fucking little, Dee. You didn’t understand what had happened, and every time you asked me about them I just…Inever knew what to say to you. So I would joke or do something silly to make you laugh. Something to make it seem like I wasn’t hurting all the time. It just seemed easier that way. Over the years…it just kind of became who I am.”
“But you don’thaveto be just that guy, Jack, you know that, right? In fact, I know you aren’t. You’re a lot more than hockey and good times.”
I scoff. “Yeah? What am I then?”
