“Unfortunately,” I say slowly, trying not to let my voice crack even as my eyes start to water, “I think you did.”
“No, that’s not what I—”
“It is, Jack,” I tell him, raising my voice. “Hockey is all there is for you, right? I think deep down you really believe that. That there’snothingelse for you. Not even me.”
“No, Abby, I—”
“Stop.” I take another step away from him, holding out my hands to silently ask him not to come closer. “You said all you need to say.”
“Don’t do this,” he begs.
“I’m not doing anything,” I tell him. “It’s not like we were really anything, anyway.”
He blanches. “You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t I? I mean, it’s like you said, there’s nothing else good going on in your life.”
“Abby, please, I didn’t—”
“I need to get out of here,” I say suddenly.
He reaches for me, but I just take another step back, watching him flinch as I maneuver away. “Don’t go. Not now.”
“I need…” I wipe at my eyes, feeling every insecurity and worry I’ve ever had about us filling me up until I feel like I’m bursting with them. “I need some space, I think. I can’t think with you here.”
“I’m begging you not to go,” Jack says, his eyes pleading.
“You don’t need me,” I say petulantly, feeling a little like a child but too hurt to really examine it right now. “You don’t need anyone, Jack. You made that perfectly clear.”
“I do,” he argues. “I need you. I—”
“Stop.” I shake my head. “I can’t be your punching bag when you’re feeling down, Jack. Iwon’t, do you understand? I know how hard this is for you, but you have to decide what your life looks like going forward. You have to decide whether or not you’re going to let something like this rule your entire life, or if you’re going to face it head-on. I can’t make those decisions for you, and I definitely can’t sit around and listen to you tell me that you havenothinggood in your life without hockey. I just can’t. Even if we weren’t…” I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “It’s just not true on so many levels, Jack, butyouhave to believe it. I can’t make you.”
“Abby—”
“Don’t follow me,” I say, turning toward the door without even thinking about my things. I just need to get the fuck out of this apartment before I suffocate from the crushing disappointment. “I need time.”
I can hear him calling my name even as I leave and shut the door behind me, but he doesn’t follow me into the hall, just like I asked. I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed.
There’s a version of me that wants to go back in there and make everything okay—tofixthings—but I meant what I said to him. I can’t make him believe that there is more to him than hockey, just like I can’t forget his face when he told me he hasnothingwithout it, making mefeellike nothing in the process.
It’s funny, my dad has been trying to do the same thing onpurposefor months, and Jack managed to do it by accident with only a handful of words. I can’t really examine right now why that is.
I pull my phone out of my pocket as I trudge down the hall toward the elevator, dialing Ian’s number. My voice betrays mewhen I finally hear my brother pick up; it cracks when I ask if his couch is still available. He assures me that it is without question, and I tell him that I’ll be there soon.
Even if everything in me wishes I could turn around and walk back to the place that, until a few minutes ago…had started to feel like home.
Twenty-Eight
Jack
When Abby walks out thefront door, I feel the remaining thread of my control fray and snap into nothing. I sink down to the floor of the apartment, my eyes welling with tears that start to flow easily, tracking down my cheeks and even dripping off the end of my nose. I feel like a fucking baby sitting here crying about my rotten luck, but I think, more than that, I feel like a fuckingassfor taking it all out on Abby.
I know deep down she was right to walk out on me; she was right when she said that none of what’s happened was her fault, so why the hell did I lash out at her? The only answer I can come up with is that I’m just so goddamntired. Tired of hearing what Ishouldbe doing. Tired of being told what’sbestfor me. I’m sick and tired of not having any real say over my own damned life.
And because Abby was the only one here, she was forced to take on the brunt of my breakdown, which I know isn’t fair to her at all.
I push myself to my feet and stumble into my bedroom insearch of my pills, feeling that familiar panic rising inside me as I think about the idea of her not coming back. Just over an hour ago, I’d been ready to spill my guts about how I feel about her, and now I’ve gone and chased her off by being an absolute ass.
