“You weren’t at White’s the whole time.”
“No. When Carew and Lord Mark arrived, we dined, but then the three of us minus Livingston went for dessert in Cheapside. I had a wonderful dish called cassava pone and was assured that Tantie Telma said the delegation would attend our ball.”
“Why is that important? I mean, those women are important, but why must you personally make sure they attend?”
I take Katherine’s stiff hand in mine. “I want our daughter accepted by all. I need that community to take care of her in ways they failed you and your sisters. Those women somewhat adopted Carew. I want my daughter and her mother to have people looking out for them. The aunties will do that. They are a fierce contingency.”
“You have all these worries about needing allies. Are you well? Or are you suffering in silence again?”
I kiss her brow. “I’m physically well now, but I have worries of how you will react to seeing me sick. And I understand that my enemies might outlast me. A good father, a good husband, a good provider makes preparations for when he’s gone.”
Katherine melts against me for a moment. Can she finally translate what I’m saying? I’ve been afraid to say why I’ve been afraid of intimacies. I love her, even when I can’t say it out loud. “I am well, but nothing has changed. I have to take care of my daughter. Palmers is threatening her future, too.”
“You’re a good father.” This beautiful woman straightens and pulls away. The light casts shadows of separation between us. She wants more. She deserves more, but my gambit is not done.
“Stephen returned at one. You didn’t come until six in the morning. You don’t have to answer, but you’re doing an incredible performance confessing.”
The hardest part of what I say is now. I stretch out on her bed and take her with me. It takes a moment of her shifting before she curves into me. Then I say, “I went to see my father. And then my son.”
She covers her mouth.
Taking her warm palm into mine, I lower it and keep her looking at me. “It sounds insane, but I needed to talk with my father. I wanted him to give me a sign that not having an heir would be fine.”
Her gaze sweeps over my face. The panic of discussing children, of childbearing, settles into her countenance. That’s the choice that remains. It’s not loving Katherine, but to do so publicly and make her my wife means no heir, no legacy.
“Did he answer, Jahleel?”
“The marble marker said nothing. But it listened. I made a list. Lots of pluses, tiny minuses. But Katherine, you and I starting over means I have no son to take the title. I have no expectation of you bearing me another child. We must take steps to ensure this.”
Her luminous eyes widen. They burst. “But Scarlett said there’s a fifty percent possibility of a healthy baby.”
“She is brilliant, but those are odds for someone who loves to gamble. That was never me, not after growing up. That was Tavis.”
“But what if I wanted to try to give you a son?”
“Nyet. I’m sure Scarlett can make teas to take away that possibility.”
“So, we can’t even discuss this together. Graves and my sister, you’ll have a full conversation?”
“Nyet. I’ve not talked to your sister. Though she may be more objective.” I shake my head. “I’ve been alone for a long time, and I’ve learned in solitude how to deal with my problems and how to instruct others to do my bidding, especially when I am right.”
“How is this right? How did silent graves bolster your pride?”
“The dead can’t be forgotten. Our son and I visit weekly. I place chrysanthemums on his stone. He’s the only one to be my heir, because you are the only one for me. I won’t take another wife.”
“Lots of women want the position, Jahleel. Baroness Derand is young and beautiful.” Katherine’s eyes search my face. “She’s friends with Scarlett. That means she will be good to Lydia.”
“I’ve decided. At the ball, I will announce you as my wife. Then the three of us, plus my mother, new sisters and brothers will be happy.”
She pats at her chest, a chest that seems to struggle to find air and words as she tears up. Katherine clasps my lapel. The indigo jacket crumples beneath her palm. “We should discuss this as partners. We’re the only two people who should find the solution. Fifty percent odds are not hopeless.”
“You want me to gamble on our future again and lose you to grief? Katherine, your bags are packed again. Is this the argument that you want so you can be justified in fleeing?” I put my hand on her cheek and then kissed her softly. “This time, the answer isn’t the best thing for us. This time, it’s what is best for me. For the time I have left, I must have peace. You and Lydia must be safe. The community we’ve built must surround us. We have the best medical care. Everything is here.”
“So there is no chance that you are going to leave London.”
I nod. “I think your sister exaggerated my desire to return. I won’t risk Lydia’s health. And I want to live as long as I can. My favorite person is here. She gives the best baths.”
“That’s a sacrifice to not go to St. Petersburg. I know you miss it. But here’s my sacrifice, my pride. I’ll never live down my mistakes. I’m Katherine, the liar to my daughter. And with this decision, it’s obvious that you can’t truly forgive me.”
