The subject change is whiplash. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Humor me. What were they like?”
“Dead. They’ve been dead for twenty-five years.”
“Before they died. What kind of parents were they?”
“My father was a drunk who thought discipline meant breaking whatever was closest when he got angry. My mother was so afraid of him that she never spoke above a whisper.” I don’t know why I’mtelling him this. “They died in a car accident when I was fourteen, and I felt nothing but relief.”
“That’s a lot of trauma to carry.”
“Everyone has trauma, Jay. Not everyone becomes what I became.”
“No, but it explains why you don’t trust love. Why you think caring about someone means hurting them.”
“Because it does. Look at what I’ve done to Saylor already—kidnapped her, put her in danger, turned her into someone who stabs people at dinner parties.”
“Did you force her to stab Leroy?”
“No, but—”
“Did you make her ask you to teach her violence?”
“She asked for that, but I could have said no.”
“Could you have?” Jay leans back in his chair. “If Saylor had asked you for something she needed, could you actually have denied her?”
The answer is immediate and certain. “No.”
“Then you understand the difference between what your father did and what you’re doing.”
“Enlighten me.”
“Your father hurt people because he wanted to. You’re trying to protect someone because you love her.”
The wordlovemakes me want to leave the room. “I never said anything about love.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face every time you say her name.”
“I don’t fall in love, Jay. I help people. I protect them when necessary. But I don’t fall in love.”
“Why not?”
“Because love makes you weak. It makes you careless. It makes you—”
“Human?”
The question stops me cold. Human. Like that’s something desirable instead of something to be avoided.
“I’ve spent my entire adult life learning not to be human,” I say quietly. “Being human gets people killed.”
“Being inhuman gets people killed too. Just different people.”
“At least when I’m inhuman, the people who die deserve it.”
Jay is quiet for a long moment, studying my face. “Blue, can I ask you something?”
“You’re going to whether I say yes or not.”
