CHAPTER NINE
She inhaled, and the deep warmth of the oxygen-filled atmosphere so high above the prairie floor entered her lungs, giving her a swift dose of temporary courage. She whispered, "I have told you the truth about me and about why I am here. I have not lied to you about any of those reasons. I do love you, and only you. But, I have not told you all of what has happened to me and to my family. I haven't known how to because, from now and into the future, what I do and what I decide will affect my mother's and my father's lives forever…and mine, too. And, now I fear whatever I decide might adversely affect you, too. And, this is not what I wish for you, for my parents or for me."
"What you do will not affect me in a bad way," he responded. "I travel my own path in life. Also, a man is not marred by his romantic adventures, unlike a woman. You should know this."
She sighed. "I do know it."
He frowned at her. "And, you are still asking me to do this with you?"
She looked away from him. "Yes."
"I think I have talked too much without listening. I still do not understand why you would ask this of me, especially when I have spoken of marriage. Again, I say this to you: you talk; I listen."
She inhaled again…hoping to strengthen her nerve. Still looking away from him, she murmured, "How I wish to say the word 'yes' to your proposal. Please understand if I could, I would marry you at once. However, if I were to follow my heart and do this, and not go back to St. Louis, my father—and my mother, also—would be utterly destroyed." She paused as more tears gathered in her eyes.
"Tell me what these two words 'utterly destroyed' mean when used together. I fear I may not understand this completely."
"My words mean that if I were to marry you, I would bring ruin, forever, into my parents' lives. You see, I can't have you both."
"I still do not understand. How could our act of becoming married ruin your parents? Do they not have their own lives?"
She gulped. "It is a rather long story. If I tell it to you, do you promise to listen and, as you do, to not think even more bad thoughts of me?"
"I have already told you I will not."
"Yes, you have, and I think I know you well enough to believe you. Come, let us sit down again, and I will tell you about what has happened in these last few years. But, I need you to perhaps hold my hand when I tell you, because…"
She paused.
"Because?" he prompted.
"I tend to cry—very much—when I think of it…even more than I am now."
"Then, let us do as you suggest. Again, I will listen."
After they had both regained their seats upon the ledge, he reached out to take her hand in his own, his grip firm. He did not speak.
"I…let me start at the beginning. My father was like a madman when he came back from trying to kill Eagle Heart and bring my sister back to Fort Union. No one could reason with him, and he was determined that I and my mother would return to St. Louis, for he insisted we were not safe at the fort or anywhere else within the Northwestern Indian Country. We did go back to St. Louis, and I thought I would simply come back to Blackfoot country to visit my sister when I was older and of age, and then I would be able to see you again and try to convince you to spend your life with me. But, it was not to be so simple. Someone--and I don't know who--told my father I was often alone with you in your lodge all those years ago, which was true, but he or she went on to tell my father that you had compromised me."
Gray Falcon cleared his throat, but remained silent.
"My father seemed to go even crazier and would have come and killed you immediately, but you are a Blackfoot Indian. He could not get to you right away. And, so he began to drink."
She paused, and Gray Falcon remained quiet, but he gradually increased his hold over her hand.
"Because my mother and I were sent back to St. Louis, neither one of us was there to caution my father about his alcohol habit, nor were we there to care for him, and I am told by others who were with him that he quickly dropped into senselessness. I tend to think something also happened out west when he tried to stop my sister from marrying Eagle Heart. And, I believe when he returned, he was trying to forget something. But, I did not know what it was then, nor do I know what it is now.
"Anyway, time passed," she continued. "I had forgotten about my father's madness, for I was not around him. And, like I said, I was trying to envision ways I could come back to your country. And, then the worst happened. I guess it was about two years ago when my father came to visit my mother and me in St. Louis. He brought his partner in the trading business with him.
"My mother and I welcomed them both. Little did we realize how quickly my father had descended into recklessness. One night my father and this man—a rather new partner in his business, a Mr. Calhoun—played a serious game of poker with one another. My father bet everything he had: both of his forts, his entire wealth in land and in gold and silver, his house in St. Louis…everything. He lost the game. He was ruined. We were ruined, also. But, Mr. Calhoun seemed to be somewhat sympathetic to my father's plight. For instance, my father could continue to run the forts, but he was only allowed to keep a pittance of the income generated from those enterprises, and our family quickly became impoverished…."
"I do not know this word."
"It means we could not afford to buy food or supplies or anything else. We became very poor almost overnight."
He nodded.
She continued. "Yet, this Mr. Calhoun promised to forgive all of my father's debt, if…" She swallowed and hesitated. One moment passed into another, until, at last, she said, "If I were to marry him."
