“She is, from what I know of her so far. I think she needs a friend now more than anything. She has her best friend and her best friend's family, but not really anyone else around here based on what she's told me.”
“Then you be a good friend to her, and help see her through this. When things settle down and she's officially divorced, you can see where things go. No matter what, you've at least gained a wonderful new friend.”
“Either way it's a big win for me, right?”
“Of course right, because I'm almost always right.” I just shake my head at her and chuckle. I'm so glad she still has a little fire and sass in her. Then I mull over telling her what’s bugging me, and how to word it.
“I’m scared, though,” I tell her quietly. “I’m so drawn to her, and everything feels completely right when she’s near me. I want to build something with her, I know it in the deepest part of me already. What happens if I fall for her and lose her, Ma? I don’t know if I could cope nearly as well as you have.”
Her eyes fill up, and she puts her hand on my shoulder. “Son, is that what has stopped you from seriouslydating? You’ve been protecting yourself from the pain of loss?”
I silently nod, not looking at her.
“Sweetheart, you will miss out on so much if you let fear rule your life. You know that. If you fall for this woman, and she falls for you back, then you will have known a great love, no matter what happens. That is worth everything.”
We both wipe our eyes as I nod my acknowledgement, still not able to speak for a minute. She definitely is always right. It’ll be easier said than done to overcome that fear, though. Finally, I attempt to get the mood a little lighter again.
“Ok, for real now, how's the chicken, Ma? Did I do justice to your chicken parm?”
She gives me an arched brow. “Don't ask silly questions. It was absolutely delicious.” Then I swear it, she mutters under her breath, “Mine is still better.” I can't help but crack up.
“Nothing I cook will ever come close to yours, I just hope I did ok enough,” I tell her while I'm still laughing. She smiles with amusement in her eyes, and it just makes me even more giddy to see it. She's had a tough road since her stroke and has not smiled much at all.
“You seem better than you have in months. You seem happier.” This is my lead in to talk more about what she said that first day I delivered to Lyra. “When you talked about making sure I had a support system outside of you, you seemed a little down and not very optimistic,” I tell her carefully.
She looks thoughtful, and a little guilty. “I’m sorry I gave you shell shock, son. I didn't mean to be so blunt about it, but it just came out of me like it’s been bottled up forever. It goes without saying that this stroke has made mesit back and think deeply about things. Your father’s passing sent me into a never ending spiral, and this stroke was a very sorely needed wake up call that I've been spiraling and numb for way too long.”
“You dealt with your grief the best you could, Ma. I know he was the love of your life,” I say with a lump in my throat. It's terrifying, but also a relief for the two of us to start letting these feelings out. For 10 years we've been barely trying to make it without him. We talk about memories of him all of the time, we say how much we miss him, but we've never sat and talked about what it would look like to try to fully live our lives without him. I think we've been terrified of moving forward, along with having a big side of guilt for still being here while he's not. Grief is so multifaceted and hard to navigate, I've discovered more and more.
As if she's reading my thoughts, she says, “We made it by and survived, my boy, but we haven't truly lived in 10 years. We'll never stop grieving him and missing him, but you know he'd be pissed at us that we've been so lost without him. You were still a teenager and took on so much that you shouldn't have needed to. I should have gotten more training, found better work, not let you give up on your education and dreams. I'm so sorry, honey.” Her voice cracks on the last word, her tears flowing like her emotional dam has burst. She's held it back and been numb for so long, this is years and years of grief and regret pouring out.
My heart is shattering for her as she continues.
“10 years have gone by, and there’s not a single day I don’t hope he’ll somehow come through the door, kiss my forehead, and help me set this very table for dinner. You ever notice we never use his seat? I think I would lose it if anyone sat there.”
“I would too, Ma. That’s where he sat with me to help with my homework. It’s where he got me interested in classic rock and architecture. All of our fun father/son weekends were planned at this table. I can’t look at it without thinking of him every time.” My voice sounds as shattered as my heart feels while all of the memories play across my mind.
“Shit, this was supposed to be a nice dinner together, and now we're both messes,” she huffs, wiping her face.
“It needed to happen. Badly,” I say hoarsely, trying to wipe my own face and get my throat to open back up. Taking her hand across the table, I give it a squeeze. “Please stop thinking you need to apologize to me. We both did what we had to do to get by. Maybe we are starting to get to a place where we figure out how to truly live without him. I might try to go back to school at night, I've been thinking about it.”
She gives me a watery smile. “It would be wonderful to see you do that. I need to get out of the house more. See people and be more social. I don't think I ever want to date again, but my friends might be glad to welcome me back to the land of the living. That is if they haven't given up on me after all these years.”
“They wouldn't give up on you, they'll be so happy to see you, Ma.”
At that moment, my phone starts chiming. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see it's an incoming FaceTime call from Seth. When I hit the button, the screen fills with his face, his wife Sienna's, and my niece Addy's on Sienna's lap. She's 9 and the cutest, sweetest kid I have ever met. I may be biased though.
“Hi Uncle TarTar!!!” Addy almost screams, her gap toothed smile huge. Her long black ponytail is shakingbecause she is pretty much vibrating with energy and excitement.
“Hiya Addycakes! What's going on? You seem excited.”
“I AM!!! Wait, are you at Nana's? Daddy said you'd be at Nana's for dinner and I could tell you both.”
My mom comes up to the screen over my shoulder. “I’m here, sweetheart. Your Uncle and I just finished some chicken parm. What do you have to tell us?”
“They posted the orchestra roster today at school and I got first chair for violin!!” she screeches, but then it's drowned out by my mother screaming, “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart!!” while I bellow, “YESSS, my Addycakes, congrats!!”
“I’m going to go practice, bye, I love you both!!” she yells as she goes dashing off.
