I try to steady my breath. "Would you believe me if I said I have absolutely no idea?"
"No," she replies gently, taking a sip of water. "So why did you come?" she asks again.
To ask you to stay with me.
"To apologize," I blurt out even though this conversation's start might lead to a point I never want to reach. I rest my elbows on the table and lean forward. "Again."
"Why?" She struggles to keep herself composed, as if there are so many words inside her that she deliberately holds back.
Not wanting to endure her gaze any longer, I lower my eyes. "I shouldn't have run away. I'm sorry, that was—"
"Does it even matter anymore?" She interrupts me.
Surprised, I look up at her. Her face appears closed off, but her breath is rapid. "Isn't it?" My heart tightens.
Her index finger glides over her fork. "The estate is being sold. Your sisters are losing their home."
Ah, that's what it's about. Not me or us. But Camilla, Alessia, and Aurora. I don't know if I should feel relieved or cry. I manage no more than a nod.
"Youare losing your home," she adds with a pleading expression.
What does she want from me, anyway? She and her stupid boyfriend are the ones buying the estate. She shouldn't be concerned about the sellers' feelings. "Why does it even matter to you?" I blurt out.
With trembling fingers, she reaches for her napkin. "Because you can still prevent it," she says, her voice breaking, and suddenly, I realize how much it must have cost her to utter those words. How long has she been wrestling with herself? "This estate means everything to your sisters."
"I know that." My God, why does she think I'm not aware of that? "The three of them are incredibly important to me. Only when they are happy can I be happy," I add. Yet I feel that trying to uphold the family tradition will suffocate me. The half-decayed walls will remind me every day of what happened. And my father will hold up a mirror to me in every second, one I don't want to look into. There is only one way I can see that becoming possible.
If Hanna stays with me. Forever.
"Then do something about it," she pleads, reaching her hand out toward mine. "What colors do your wishes have?" she asks meaningfully.
The delicate pink of her cheeks. The velvety brown of her hair.
And the deep sea green of her eyes.
I want to tell her. She must know that my wishes bear only her colors. So we can find out if they are the same as hers.
"Stay here. Save your home," she says earnestly. "Florian and I can build our future somewhere else."
Florian and I. The future.
Like spirits, the words flutter through my mind, seeping into my thoughts and building a wall around my heart. No matter if I were ready for the most significant leap of my life, she won't stay. That much is certain. "I can't," I hear myself say.
Her lips press together in disappointment, and she withdraws her hand. "A sponsor wants to support my career. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." Not that it's a good excuse for leaving my sisters behind, but it's the only one I have. "I've been working toward this moment for years. It's my dream, you see."
Her facial muscles soften. "Since when have you known?" She feels betrayed. I see it in her eyes.
"Just a few days ago," I reply, crossing my arms over my chest. Out of pure self-defense. Nevertheless, I feel as lost as I've ever been.
She swallows hard. "And when will you leave Collina da sogno?" Her voice is controlled.
"Tomorrow. It's better this way. For all of us." Even though it was beautiful to momentarily immerse myself in her dream world and see a future filled with life and love. Ultimately, it was nothing more than a dream.
A silent tear escapes from the corner of her eye. The candlelight refracts in the drop as it runs down her cheek. I want to kiss it off her velvety skin, to take away her sadness and mine as well. However, I just watch idly until the tear reaches her jaw and falls into the darkness from there.
"Time to wake up, isn't it?" she asks me, her voice hoarse.
I nod, my throat tightening more and more. I wish I could ask her to help me conquer my fears so that I can return home. But she has made it clear that her concern is only for the future of the estate. Not for ours.
"Time to wake up," I confirm in a toneless voice, and I lower my eyelids.
