"I just wanted to help Noah. A visit to the trauma expert would have made him realize that he is not to blame for Julian's death." Shaking my head, I observe the water gently hitting the edge of the fountain. Why did it go so wrong? "He should be happy again and enjoy life."
Hardly have I spoken the last sentence when I feel how true it is. Surprising even myself, I widen my eyes. Because at that moment, I realize what truly sets Noah apart from all the other men who have disappointed me in recent years.
He is the first one who doesn't just want me.
Not a single one of my affairs was ever real. They only momentarily satisfied my longing to be loved and seen. What I felt for the men was never relevant. They gave me what I desperately needed, and I took it, bathing in a false sense of happiness when I couldn't have the real thing.
Although it's hard to believe, it's true. One by one, the men disappointed me, and I surrendered to my unreal pain. Without a fight.
It doesn't matter if Noah loves me or not because I feel one thing very clearly: that I love him. So much that I would do anything to make him happy.
"This man has broken my curse," I stammer.
"What curse?" Maya asks. She nudges my upper arm as she speaks.
I look up at her. "Happiness is like a mountain lake. The deceptive sparkle on the surface is only there when the sun shines on the outside. But to find the true treasure, you have to dive to the bottom," I repeat what Noah taught me. With each word that leaves my mouth, I understand more. It's as if I see myself on amirror-smooth water surface and finally recognize what makes me who I am deep inside.
"Since I can remember, I've been trying to be the perfect daughter. I'm obedient and hardworking. I'm quiet. I help wherever I can." I gaze intently at my best friend. "And I do all of that just to be loved."
That's not who I am. The career-oriented city girl in high heels with perfect grades—that's not me! The specialization in medicine won't make me happy. And the idea that it could save my brother and finally make my parents proud is nothing but an illusion.
Tyrol made me happy. Helene's country doctor's practice with its warm-hearted patients. The peaceful life in harmony with nature, sprinkled with a little bit of action here and there.
And Noah, who didn't show a moment's interest in my superficial glitter but looked straight into the depths of my being.
My God, that's it!
Suddenly, my gaze seems clearer than ever before. All my life, I've been chasing a false dream. I thought that if I just tried hard enough, I could heal Aaron and finally receive affection from my parents.
"What value does love have if it's conditional?" That's it. The question that has been buried deep within me and now surfaces. I know the answer. "None," I say firmly.
Maya looks at me, astonished. Clearly, she's lost for words, but she doesn't need to respond.
Filled with an unprecedented surge of energy, I quickly rise from the edge of the fountain. "I have to go," I announce, for I have no time to waste.
