My pain stays with me. And that's despite not shedding any more tears after the tenth ride. Only my stomach rebels. That's all.
"It's not working, is it?" Maya asks me, now quite pale, as we exit the Megablitz for the twentieth time.
Pressing my hand against my stomach, I shake my head. Because that's not all. I have always felt comfortable here in the Prater. In the midst of the hustle and bustle, where life pulses, I, too, felt alive. But today, the noise suffocates me. The crowds of people stress me out.
My friend wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me along. "Then let's try something else."
Since I don't have a better idea, I let her lead me to the adjacent park. Even though it's quieter here, I still can't breathe freely. The exhaust fumes are omnipresent, and I can even hear the hum of cars.
"Tell me exactly what happened again," Maya gently prompts me as we walk along the gravel path.
I've already done that. And it was pointless. "He doesn't love me," I reply curtly. Because that's the truth, the only truth.
My best friend doesn't look at me. Surely, she doesn't want to pressure me, and I'm grateful for that. "And you? Do you love him?"
That's irrelevant.
"After your first encounter with him, you were sure that he was different," she reminds me softly.
Actually, she should mention that she warned me about him more than once. I should have listened to her. Why was I so foolish to get involved with him?
"And it's not what has just happened that tells me that he really is different. You have changed." Maya'sgaze wanders over my barely made-up face and casual outfit.
It's possible that I'm not the same anymore. But that changes nothing. On the contrary, it only makes everything worse.
Maya hooks her arm through mine. Together, we turn onto a narrow path lined with rose bushes. A few birds peck at breadcrumbs among the pebbles next to a bench. "So what makes him so special?"
What does she hope to achieve with this question? That I long for him even more than I already do? I look at her desperately. "Stop it. Please. It doesn't make any sense."
She shrugs. "What else would make sense, then?"
I hate it when she's so right. The Megablitz was my last hope. I simply don't have another plan to forget Noah. With a deep sigh, I turn my gaze to the well-groomed park landscape ahead of us. Everything here is shaped, there's nothing wild or original. "Noah never let me flirt with him," I suddenly say. "He was like his beautiful homeland. Untamed and rugged."
Maya walks silently beside me. Behind the bushes, I spot a fountain. The lively sound of water splashing reaches my ears, but this piece of nature shaped by human hands can't compare to what the Tyrolean mountains have to offer.
"At no point did he look at me with that greedy desire, like many men before him did. He didn't want to get me into bed, had no interest in my success, and certainly not in my fancy appearance." On the contrary, everything I showed the world seemed to repel him.
"Mm-hmm." With a gesture, Maya encourages me to continue speaking.
"It was as if he always wanted to see only my inner self. Me. The real me." A sharp pain pierces my chest, taking my breath away.
We approach the fountain and sit down on its wide edge. With my gaze, I follow the lush green leaves floating on the turbulent water surface. They are swept to the edge, where the water calms down.
"Only when the water lies still before you can you recognize yourself in it," I murmur. Hanna's profound words now compel me to lean forward and look at my reflection in the water. But there's nothing. I can only make out vague outlines.
How could Noah pretend to see me when I can't even see myself?
Gently, Maya strokes my back. "That's a wonderful thought."
"Noah can't do that." That's what I suddenly understand. "He can't see himself either." Just like me. We're both blind. Each in our own way.
"You helped me see myself," Maya whispers suddenly, so softly that I can barely hear it.
Nevertheless, her words effortlessly penetrate to the depths of my being. I lift my eyes and look directly at her. "Did I?"
Instead of answering me, she just nods. And that's all that's needed because the day when Maya shed her past is something we will never forget. In my thoughts, I go back. As far as my memory can carry me.
For years, we kept her childhood a secret. I went along with it because that's what Maya wanted. Out of fear that she would turn away from me. So that she would like me. But in the end, it only supported her continuous escape from herself.
