This was the last thing I would have expected. But her approval does something to me. It brings forth words from within me that I never wanted to tell anyone.
"Behind my back, she researched about me. And about Julian." My voice breaks, and I clear my throat. "Without telling me, she applied for jobs in Vienna and elsewhere."
"I know," my sister says again as if she, too, can't find any other words for this hurtful behavior.
"What other secrets did she have? Who is Elina, really?" No one can say for sure if the woman forwhom my foolish heart still beats with all its might even exists.
Probably not. Most likely, all along I was just the patient whose mysterious illness she wanted to uncover. To restore her self-worth as a doctor after the devastating termination at the Vienna clinic.
Suddenly, Hanna tilts her head to the side with a smile. "And who are you?"
What's the point of that question?
"Didn't you have secrets too?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
Guilty, I lower my gaze. Of course, I did. "That's different." As I speak the words, I realize it's nonsense.
Hanna knows that too. I can see it in her expression. "The best mirror you can look into is the eyes of the person you love." She nods encouragingly. I understand what she's trying to say, but it's not that simple.
Immediately, Elina's face appears in my thoughts. I see her honey-blond hair cascading around her rosy cheeks. The loving smile on her delicate lips. And the devoted glow in her sea-blue eyes. Nothing about this image is false. It feels so pure. So open and honest.
My shoulders feel heavy, just like my legs. "I don't know..." I begin, but before I can finish the sentence, my voice fails me.
Seconds later, I find myself in Hanna's arms again. But instead of tensing up completely as I did earlier, I now allow myself to lean into her proximity.
"We all make mistakes," she says with devotion. "Don't forget that, Noah."
Even though she doesn't say it directly, I understand what she's trying to convey.
That I should forgive Elina. Or at least listen to what she has to say.
Maybe she's right. Nevertheless, I don't think I can do that. Elina's betrayal weighs heavily on me, and my disappointment runs deep. Besides, there is no future for us either way.
In search of stability, I pull Hanna closer to me. She is my rock. It has always been that way even though I should be the strong big brother for her. "Thank you, sister," I murmur into her hair.
"Always happy to be there for you." Hanna pats me encouragingly on the back, then pushes away from me. "You can do this. But first, you should take a shower," she says, wrinkling her nose.
"It will be done." I quickly plant a kiss on her cheek. "See you."
With a smile, Hanna sets off. She has fulfilled her mission. Although her urgent desire to be there for me has driven me to despair more than once, she has always been right in the end.
Will it be the same this time?
Pondering, I fish the key out of the inner pocket of my multifunctional jacket and unlock the door. I already knew Elina wouldn't be here. Surely she wouldn't have hidden during my conversation with Hanna. I cross the living room and walk straight into the bathroom. My gaze falls on the wooden shelf beneath the mirror.
Elina's side is empty.
In the shower, ten bottles of shower gel and five containers of shampoo are missing. Only my washing supplies remain. They look damn lonely, standing there in the oversized wall holder next to the showerfaucet. With pressed lips, I pull open the top drawer of the half-height cabinet next to the towel radiator.
It's empty. Only a few individual blond hairs stick to the bottom.
Elina has fulfilled my one and only wish for her.
She's gone.
Overwhelmed by my perpetual heavy fatigue, I peel off my hiking clothes and step into the shower. Leaning against the wall, I let the warm water cascade over my head and wish with all my heart that it would simply wash everything away.
My despair. The jumbled thoughts. And the tears, whose salty taste brushes against my lips.
