Chapter 38
Noah
I spent three days and two nights in the mountains. Just me, my hiking boots, a sleeping bag, and a backpack with the essentials.
This trip was supposed to ground me and give me some distance from Elina's attempts to explain herself. With each step on the rocky terrain, my thoughts were supposed to become clearer. But now, almost seventy-two hours since I set off, I still feel the same as I did in the Munich doctor's office.
Betrayed. Deceived. Disappointed.
With a heavy sigh, I trudge toward the clearing where my house stands. The white plaster of the exterior wall glimmers between the branches of the firs.
"Please, don't be there," I murmur, clenching my fists. I don't want to see Elina. And I don't want to see her stuff either. She should be gone, forever.
That's better. No matter how much I missed her light in the past few days. How much I missed her fighting spirit and how much I longed for her laughter. No matter how much I would have liked to lie with her in the sleeping bag, looking up at the vastness of our sky.
It's over. I'm alone again. And that's for the best, because I don't deserve anything else. It wouldn't have worked between Elina and me anyway.
In front of me, the campfire area appears, where we sat together. That evening when I told her about Julian for the first time.
I swallow hard and trudge on toward the house. When I reach the porch steps, I hesitate.
What if she's waiting for me inside?
What if she even brought that damn doctor here?
She never gives up. That's who she is. My Elina.
Exhausted, I take off the backpack from my shoulders and let it drop to the ground. My breathing is heavy. My pulse quickens.
And whether I like it or not, a part of me actually wishes she were here.
"Stop," I quickly admonish myself because such thoughts really have no place here.
"Hi, Noah."
That's my sister's voice. I look up at the porch and see Hanna sitting on one of the wooden chairs. She forces a smile onto her face. "Where have you been?"
Instead of answering her, I shrug. That's not important.
"Elina told me everything," she says so softly that I can barely hear her. And suddenly, she looks just like she did back then. With exactly that expression, she looked at me after Julian's death. A mixture of compassion, helplessness, and pain. "I've been worried about you."
"I'm fine." My voice is hoarse, and I don't want to know what impression the rest of me gives. "I just really need to take a shower."
With the little energy I have left, I step onto the porch stairs.
Hanna jumps up to block my path. She blows herbangs out of her face with determination and looks deep into my eyes. "You've come a long way," she says with a weighty tone. Her gaze becomes more intense, more urgent. "How many miles was it?"
I have no idea what she wants from me. Clenching my teeth, I turn my gaze into the darkness of the forest beside us.
Carefully, she reaches for my upper arm. "Yet you return as the same man you were when you set off."
Yes. Because that's who I am. Nothing and no one can change that.
Hanna takes a step toward me and wraps her arms around me. Her tousled hair tickles my neck, the smell of freshly baked bread fills my nostrils. "You know, to breathe, you have to take in air. To feel happiness within, you have to be willing to see it." Now she pushes away from me and touches my chin, forcing me to look at her. "And to experience love, you have to forgive."
I can't do that. "She betrayed me, Hanna."
A wistful smile spreads across her lips. "I know."
