Chapter 27
Maya
I brush the wet hair from my face and hold my nose. "Are you ready?"
Sophia looks like a funny fish with her oversized diving goggles. She nods eagerly. "Three. Two. One... Go."
We both dive underwater, and for the hundredth time today, I watch her collect the colorful plastic rings from the bottom of the pool, which I had scattered there earlier.
A little later, we resurface and gasp for air. "You got them all!" I praise Sophia.
Full of pride, she hands me the five rings. "Throw them again."
She can never get enough of it. But the joy on her face compensates for the fact that I never get a turn to dive for the rings. Just as I throw the red ring back into the water, Josh steps onto the terrace. He walks briskly toward us. Immediately, I feel the longing boil within me. Since we returned to Vienna a week ago, we've never been alone. Too many appointments dominate his life.
Thank goodness. Because the conversation in the waiting room of the Stockholm clinic was more than uncomfortable. If I hadn't stopped him, he would have spoken a truth that my heart doesn't want to hear.
"Throw the others too." Sophia is impatient and splashes water on my face.
At least, she brings me back to reality. One by one, I sink the blue, yellow, and green rings. "Are we ready to go?" I mumble absentmindedly, my gaze still fixed on Josh.
She counts down again. We dive together once more. But this time, I don't watch as she retrieves the rings one by one. Instead, I look up. It doesn't take long for Josh to appear at the edge of the pool. He looks strangely distorted through the water, but I can still see that he's wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
I don't want to resurface. Because once I'm near him, my emotional chaos only gets worse.
Sophia is already done and pushes off the pool floor to reach the surface. I can only hear her squeal faintly. She swims toward Josh.
I can't bear this much longer. I need oxygen.
Immediately.
Reluctantly, I resurface.
"Daddy is coming into the pool with us," Sophia explains before I even open my eyes.
"Great. Then I can take a short break." Actually, I would prefer to keep playing, but that would mean being in the water with Josh.
And once he stands in front of me, wet from head to toe, I can't guarantee anything. Clearly, I need to get away from here. "Have lots of fun."
With great effort, I manage to avoid eye contact with Josh. I leave the pool and wrap a towel around my hips. Still, I can feel Josh's eyes on my skin as I walk into the house. But whatever they mean, one thing is clear. It's better this way for all of us. Sophia has a greattime with her father, and I don't have to torture myself by being so close to Josh without being able to touch him. Besides, I gain a few minutes to review the documents for the first of my four qualifying exams.
Elina was already at work this morning. So I even studied during breakfast, but the topic of cell biology just won't stick in my head. And that's despite having already learned all the material once. After all, I wanted to take the biology exam in June before the kindergarten dismissal changed everything.
It's better not to think about it or else doubts will creep in again.
I quickly slip into a dress and retreat to the living room with the textbook. There, I sink into the deep cushions of the brown leather couch and pull my legs toward me. The joyful screams from the garden reach me as I open the book.
Good. Where did I leave off? Oh right, I remember that the cell membrane is on the outside. But what was it for again?
Dammit, just a few hours ago, the information was already in my head. How stupid can a person be, constantly forgetting the same things?
I flip to the next page. The paper tears.
Great.
My exam is already tomorrow. I have less than twenty-four hours left to know everything that's in this book. But even though I've looked at the cell illustrations a thousand times, I still can't remember the names of the individual components. With closed eyes, I try to list them.
There's the nucleus. And the membrane. And those little things that sound similar to rectum.
