Strained I massage my temples. "But you know the material for the exam."
Elina doesn't even consider giving up. She's the only one here who believes that. She doesn't want to admit it, but I will never understand biology. I would have failed anyway. Besides, it's not just about that anymore.
"Have you forgotten that I just lost my internship position?" I hastily put my bowl in the dishwasher.
Suddenly, she's standing next to me. "So what? You can make up the required hours at another kindergarten." She sounds as if it's no big deal.
But it is. "And where am I supposed to get the money for that?" I worked shifts in a shoe factory for months, only to get by on the internship allowance for a while. My financial cushion is almost depleted, and I can't count on any government support.
Even Elina doesn't have an answer to that. She simply presses her usually elegantly shaped lips together.
"Besides, Nadine says I'm unsuitable as an educator." I shrug. It's easier for me to pretend that none of this affects me.
Her penetrating gaze meets mine, and she furrows her eyebrows. "Why do you believe that stupid cow? She was just jealous because the children liked you better than her."
I slam the dishwasher shut with a loud noise. "All of this was just a crazy idea of mine," I counter. Because by now, I'm sure that's what it is. The internship was the easiest part of my plan. So I've already failed at the first step. "I would never have passed the qualifying exams for university. Not to mention the actual study."
"But I would have helped you," she says, jutting out her lower lip demonstratively.
Sure, she would have, but it wouldn't have made a difference. Not everyone is as brilliant as the newly minted doctor leaning against the fridge, studying me intensely. The truth is, I failed in school at the age of sixteen. And since then, I've started about a thousandthings and haven't finished any of them. Elina knows that all too well.
I wave her off tiredly. "Just let it go. It is what it is." I try to lean on the kitchen countertop, but my hand grasps nothing. I stumble, almost falling.
"Doctor Freud would see it differently." Judging by her convincing expression, she really believes that.
Whenever something goes wrong for me, she thinks it's a Freudian slip. Something my subconscious does to make my conscious mind realize that I'm wrong.
"Stop with this nonsense." I cross my arms defensively in front of my chest.
"It's not your fault that things have gone so badly for you," she says, adding insult to injury. "Considering what you've been through..."
"Stop." I take a step toward her, determined. This topic is taboo, and she knows it well. "I just don't have what it takes. Let's leave it at that."
Wordlessly, my friend rises from her chair and embraces me. "You can't keep going on like this, Maya," she whispers lovingly in my ear. Her hand trails across my back.
She acts as if I have a choice. But I don't. "Oh, yes, I can," I retort snappily, just so she'll finally stop pressuring me.
Only those who are brave reach their destination. Great, now my father's voice is also joining in. It's as if he's teaming up with Elina against me.
This has to stop.
Right now.
They should leave me alone.
Both of them!
I tear myself away forcefully. "That's the end of thediscussion. My job interview is waiting. Or do you want to pay the rent all by yourself from now on?"
Her expression darkens. "The utility bills for electricity and heating oil arrived yesterday. It doesn't look good."
Not that I'm happy about it, considering that Elina barely earns anything during her practical year and still has to pay off her student loan. But at least our shared financial struggles work in my favor. "Even more reason," I say quickly and whirl around. I walk into the hallway and slip on my worn-out flip-flops.
"One more thing," I hear Elina call.
"What?" I hastily grab my bag.
My friend appears in the doorway. "You're wearing your top inside out. Just a heads-up." A big grin spreads across her lips.
