But I didn’t think she’d bepissed.
“Mom, I’m confused. How are you expecting to host a party when you’re still in rehab? Everyone you’ve invited knows what has happened. They’ll understand if we cancel or postpone the party until you’re better,” I say meekly, hoping that she won’t find my logical argument insulting.
“Absolutely not. The party is already planned. Invites have gone out. We only need to show up.” She shakes her head, taking another bite of her salad and staring intensely at me.
I nod silently. There’s no point saying another word. She’s made herself crystal clear. My engagement party is happening.At least the party will allow me to talk to Brian in person. Truly figure out where things stand between us and make some decisions about our future.
twenty-two
“You weren’t jokingwhen you said there was a lot to do tonight,” Jake says, assessing the pile of packages strewn across the living room and placing two pizza boxes on the coffee table. He’s dressed for an evening of home improvement projects, wearing gray sweatpants that hang low on his hips and a ratty band T-shirt as he takes his usual seat next to me on the couch, nudging my knee with his. “Did you mean to ordereveryitem your mom might need when she eventually comes home?”
“You’re hilarious. Do you get paid to do stand-up?” I reply sarcastically, lightly punching him on the arm for teasing me about being well-prepared. I grab a pizza box, confident that one is a simple pepperoni pizza for me and the other a barbecue chicken for him. “Thanks for getting dinner again.” A smile at him, grateful for how he keeps me fed throughout the day, making me wonder if food might be one of his love languages…for hisfriends.
“No need to thank me. It’s the least I can do. Now, let’s eat before we tackle this mini-warehouse.”
We each grab a slice of pizza and settle into a comfortable silence. I can tell something is bothering Jake because his hair isdisheveled, like he’s been running his fingers through it all day, pulling on various strands in frustration. I’ve learned not to push too hard when he’s stressed because he’ll start to shut down. Instead, I wait until he’s ready to talk—ifhe’s ever ready.
Jake clears his throat, tossing the pizza crust into the box, and jumps up from the couch, startling me and instantly changing the energy in the room. “Where do you want to start?” He gestures to the boxes organized in piles across the room.
“Probably the bathroom. It’s the most critical and time-consuming.” I point to a large pile of items near us as Jake gathers four boxes to carry into my mom’s bathroom. I follow him with the tool bag.
We spend a few minutes organizing our supplies and reading the instructions before installing the shower grab bar. Although I’m trying to stay focused on the project at hand, I’m also constantly staring at Jake when he’s not looking, trying to read his face and figure out what’s bothering him. The longer I watch, the more intrigued I am about what’s going on in his head.
“Stop staring. Ask whatever you’re contemplating,” he says, pointing the screwdriver at me while straddling the edge of the bathtub.
I chew on my lower lip, debating for a few seconds whether I should feign ignorance or admit that not knowing what’s bothering him is driving me crazy.
He tilts his head slightly and waves the tool at me again, indicating I need to get on with it.
“Fine. I was going to give you space and let you talk when you’re ready, but if you insist.” I place my hands on my hips and lock my eyes on him. “Something is bothering you. What is it?” He briefly flinches, and my stomach drops. “Do you need to leave soon?”
I knew this moment could come at any time. He can’t stay in Southmount forever. But I had this dream where we’d both headback to our respective real livesaftermy mom is healed and his mom’s estate is wrapped up. A wave of nausea hits me, and my mouth goes dry.
“Whoa there, Kate. I’m not going anywhere. There’s just—” He sighs, leaning back against the tub. “My mom’s death is causing me to rethink a lot of things in my life, especially relationships. I’ve always been bad—no, horrible—at them. But then I see you, Dylan and Hannah, Brandon, and Shawn.” His eyes meet mine as he smiles softly. “We’re the same age, and you’re all with the loves of your lives. Then there’s me. Completely alone. Makes me wonder if I’ve missed my chance.” He tilts his head back, running a hand through his still-messy hair. “How did you know Brian was the one?”
Definitely did not expect this topic to be on his mind. His reasoning makes sense. I inhale deeply as the nausea subsides a little, knowing he’s not leaving, and sit on the floor across from him with an instruction sheet in my lap. “I thought for a moment you were going to tell me that you need to head home. Back to work,” I reply, showing him my vulnerability.
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” He gently nudges me with his foot. “Tell me about Brian.” He looks at me so earnestly, like he wants to understand something deeper about our love story, more than what I’ve shared with him over the past few weeks.
The hopeless romantic in me used to love sharing how Brian and I fell in love, but the excitement I usually feel is gone, replaced with confusion and apprehension. I bite my lower lip, looking down before finally raising my gaze to meet Jake’s eyes. “I met Brian in grad school and had an immediate crush on him. We were friends until the end of our first semester when he asked me out. We’ve been together for five years now.” Jake nods, urging me to continue. “Brian was my first everything. Never had a boyfriend before him.”
Jake’s mouth drops open, his eyes widen. “You’re not… You’re not serious. You’ve had other boyfriends.” He rubs his jaw, and I swear I see the wheels turning in his head. “What about…huh? Why can’t I think of anyone you dated in high school?”
“Because there wasn’t anyone. I focused on school and spent my free time with you and our friends. Guys weren’t interested in me. Brian was the first.” My shoulders fall slightly as I remember how much it hurt that no one found me attractive or wanted more than a friendship from me. Until Brian. I shake my head, forcing the feelings of inadequacy out of my mind. “He was my first. My only. It’s pretty romantic when you think about it,” I claim, unsure whether I’m trying to convince Jake or myself.
An incredulous look develops on Jake’s face. “You’ve had sex with other people. You can’t be telling me he’s the only person you’ve ever been with. That would be?—”
“What? Romantic. Special. Unique.”
“Unexpected.”
“It’s the truth. He’s the only one.” Is Brian being my first clouding my judgment about what’s happening in our relationship? Am I too scared of losing him and being alone that I let him treat me poorly? I swallow hard and chew on the inside of my lip, wondering how much my lack of relationship experience affects how I see Brian.
Jake squeezes his eyes shut, covering his mouth with one of his hands as he likely attempts to process the information I’ve shared. It’s the complete opposite of how he’s chosen to live his life. God, I can’t even imagine how many notches are on his bedpost. Nausea rolls through me again at the thought of Jake sleeping with other women. I shake my head, wanting to get the image of him and other women out of my mind.
“How did you know he was the right person for you? The man you wanted to marry.” The shock is completely gone from hisface as he stares intensely into my eyes. Almost like he’s peering into my soul.
Unease pangs my stomach. How do I respond to that? Months ago, the answer was easy, and I was confident Brian was the right person for me. Now I’m not so sure. “We’ve been together for five years and have similar life goals. And, obviously, we love each other.”
