“Lily!” Emily reaches across the table to give me a high five, almost spilling her drink in the process. “Where were you today?”
“It’s healthy to play hooky sometimes,” I joke. For obvious reasons, I don’t want to explain the full story: my dad’s sudden appearance and the history between us.
“Right on, Ferris Bueller,” says Emily.
“It’s not cool to just call off like that last-minute, you know,” Theo mumbles into his beer, not looking at me. “They had no one manning the desk all day. It sucked.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. He’s tying knots out of a straw wrapper. “Something came up.”
“Yeah, well. As the one who recommended you for the job, it reflects poorly on me as well. And you looked pretty healthy and fine just now when you were kissing your ex.”
“Jeez, Theo,” I say, hurt. I notice how little I’ve actually said his name aloud—it sounds foreign in my mouth, like a language I haven’t fully mastered yet. “I really am sorry. Tough day, trust me. I would never want to make you look bad. I’m really sorry.”
The rest of the group is talking among themselves, but I can tell Emily is eavesdropping by the position of her crossed legs. Theo lowers his voice.
“Whatever.” He shrugs. “So, what did he want?”
“Who?” I think of my dad.
“Henry, obviously. Is he magically calling off his wedding or something? You finally getting the rom-com ending you hoped for there?”
I’m offended by his anger. He has no right to it, especially after days of us not speaking. “Wow, the vitriol is a little dramatic. What do you care anyway?”
“I just don’t like being messed with.”
“That was never my intention, Theo. I like you, I had a great time the other night.” I reach to touch his shoulder but he pulls away. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a mess this summer, but I’ve always liked you. That never changed. I’ve just been working some stuff out.”
I can tell more of our coworkers are listening in, and I know I should be embarrassed, but this feels too important to ignore. Not saying how you feel is what went wrong with Thomas and my mom. It is always better to put everything out there, be as honest as possible.
Theo rolls his eyes, knitting his thick eyebrows together.
I remember the first time I opened up to Henry about my dad’s alcoholism, and how hard it was to speak aloud. It made it more real somehow. When I was done, I wished I could take it back. I hope Theo doesn’t feel the same after talking about his mother the other night: a vulnerability hangover.
“Are you congratulating our boy?” Emily interrupts in a booming voice. “Can’t believe he’s heading out in less than two weeks. What’s first, my dude? Thailand?”
“Cambodia,” he mumbles, playing intently with the wrapper again, knot after knot in a chain until the paper frays.
“You’re leaving?” I feel a weight near my collarbone drop.
“Yeah.” He’s still not meeting my eyes. “I’m teaching English abroad for a year. Going to be traveling to a few different places. I’m supposed to leave the first week of August.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, my voice cracking a little.
Everyone at the table is watching us, but I don’t have the energy to care. I only care about his answer. I assumed we had all August together. Time to figure out what we are to each other.
“I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe I thought you wouldn’t care.”
There’s a buzzing at the edge of my brain like a hive of bees, the first sign of impending vertigo, my panic attacks. It is rising again and there’s nothing I can do to stop it except brace for impact.
Two hours and three blueberry lemonades later, I’m too drunk to operate anything larger than a Razor scooter, so Theo takes my keys and offers to drive me home. He practically drags me out of the brewery like a disappointed parent. He made me do this, I think. After his revelation, drinking was all I could do to keep the panic attack at bay.
“I want to stay!” I pout.
“You’re drunk, Lily.”
“You’re right,” I giggle at his serious face. “I’m drunk as a skunk! But look, I didn’t spill on my jeans!” I twirl to show off my pristine white pants, but then the twirling makes me dizzy, and I trip on a loose stone, and the rest of the blue drink seeps down my body. “Oops.”
“Come on.” Theo tugs my arm again.
