I text him things I remember, random moments from the dreams.
I keep them friendly, though. Keep out all talk of the kissing, the hugs. We were friends in the dreams.
We’re just friends now, as we text back and forth throughout the days.
After all, I’m still with Jason. I couldn’t break up with him rightafter the coma. Everyone would call me out for being erratic, accuse me of going crazy after all. I can’t deal with a whiff of drama right now, so I haven’t even confronted him.
***
“I thought,” Jason says, pulling out containers of Chinese from a brown paper bag as we sit at a picnic table at the lake on this abnormally warm fall day, “that we could just have a chill date.”
I started back at school this week and am still trying to get into the swing of things. People have been gracious and patient.
Jason has been gracious and patient.
I say nothing as he pulls out forks. He hands me a can of soda then attempts to clink his with mine. “Bon appétit.”
“Bon app…” I don’t think Jason notices that I don’t finish the sentence. Which is for the best. How else would I explain that I just keep reliving all the days and nights, all the half days that were spent with Marcus?
“So, uh, what did you and Marc discuss?” he asks, chewing, and it’s like he’s read my mind. We both look over at a couple playing with their toddler in the grass. “Did you like compare notes on your comas?” Jason chuckles at his own joke.
“Something like that,” I say half-heartedly.
Finally, Jason sighs and sets down his food. “Zadie,” he says gently, “I get it. You’re upset about the breakup.”
“The breakup,” I say. “Who broke up?”
Jason’s brows basically vanish into his hairline. “Us,” he says. “You and me.”
“The breakup happened?” I ask dully.
I really had thought we were just going to pretend none of it ever happened.
“Of course it did,” he says. He stands and comes over to sit on the same side of the table as me. “I was so upset from it that I pretty much caused the accident.”
I frown, because that’s not how I remember it at all.
“But anyway, I broke up with you and it was a pretty crappy thing to do and you’re hurt,” he says. He takes my hands and looks right in my eye. “Let me explain why.”
“Why?” I ask.
This is it. The moment I’ve waited for. The moment I’ve searched countless dreams and memories for. He’s finally going to tell me when and how he fell out of love with me. Maybe he’ll tell me who the other girl is, the one he cheated with.
“I love you,” he says.
I stare at him. Then I guffaw. “You love me? That’s why you broke up with me?”
Jason nods. “It’s true…Why are you laughing?”
“Because that’s the biggest pile of horseshit I’ve ever heard,” I say, giggling despite being so far outside of this moment that I might as well be across the lake. Lately, around Jason, I feel like I’m not myself but rather an actor playing myself.
He frowns as a light wind picks up around us. “Zadie, stop laughing. That’s so disrespectful.”
“No, what’s disrespectful is dumping me, in public, on our anniversary when youknewI thought you were going to do something else,” I say, untangling my hands from his. “What’s disrespectful is you acting like nothing happened when I woke up and expecting me to go along with it.”
I have gone along with it, but now I am angry and confused.
“What’s disrespectful is you cheating on me with some girl and then having the audacity to say you…”
