“Loveismagic, but it isn’t just romantic, Amber. I wish you had loved me back,” I say, then turn away from them.
I hurry into the parking lot, get into my car, and drive away even as I spot Marcus at the door, trying to come after me.
I drive to where the park overlooks the lake, one of my favorite places to go with my dad.
I sit in the grass and pull my knees up to my chest and cry.
I cry until I can’t breathe.
My heart is so broken I barely know where it fits inside me.
Mo texts me:Z, I’m so so sorry.
Mo:Tell me where you are and I’ll come with you
Mo:If you want me to
Mo:Just please tell me you’re all right
I have a text from Marcus.
Marcus:I’ll be at The Fix if you need me
Marcus:Call me anytime
I don’t respond to either of them.
Instead, I talk to my father. “I miss you,” I whisper. “So, so much.
“I just want to talk and argue over books one more time. I wish you were here for one more story—I swear it’s the most important one.”
My story.
I wish my father was alive to see it and read it and be part of it.
But he’s not.
My father is gone, and with him, all the words that he will ever say to me.
Through my blurry eyes, I notice a small blue poppy sticking out of the grass a few feet from me. The flowers have followed me from dream to dream to dream. I pull out my phone and search for their meaning.Remembrance.
I pluck the flower from the ground now and realize it’s the only one of its kind here. I remember that one of those times when my father held his arms out wide and asked me what I loved, I held mine out wide too and declared, “Everything!” because then he’d have to get me the whole store. Dad laughed and hugged me and said, “You can’t have everything, Zadiebug, but you have enough.”
I used to think it was tragic that he never finished more books, because it meant he didn’t leave more of himself behind. But the truth is that he is in books we read together. He is in a Sly and the Family Stone song. He is in the Yellow Mart where we will be restacking cans of baked beans for the rest of our lives. He is in my smile that looks so much like his. I don’t have everything, but I have enough of him for the rest of my story.
Thirty-Three
The next day, I don’t leave my room.
When Mo comes to visit after school, she hovers at my bedroom door like she’s not sure whether she’s allowed in.
“Explain it to me,” I say from where I’m sitting at my desk. I have finally made it to the twenty-fifth book. Soon, I will be on twenty-six. More and more books without Dad. I’ve been working on the yearbook too. I made so many decisions about it in the coma, decisions that haven’t been made in this world yet. But at least I know what will work. “You knew all along that Jason and Amber were together?”
“No, just a couple of weeks before the accident. I saw something shady on Amber’s phone.”
“God, Mo. I’m so mad at you.” I’m starting to cry again. At this point, I’ve cried so many tears I’m probably dehydrated.
Mo wraps her arms around me. “I’m really sorry. I’m sorry.”
