“I get it,” I say. Because I do. It sounds exactly like something I would do.
She nods. “I was scared.” Her voice cracks, and I cry harder. “I didn’t want to believe it was real. I’ve never been as brave as you, Nikki.”
I laugh through my tears. “Mom, I’m not brave.”
“Are you kidding me? Putting your heart out there on national television isn’t brave? That’s insane. You’re one of the most courageous people I know.”
I look at her, stunned. A distant burst of laughter floats in from outside—early guests making their way toward the gazebo. Reality starts to seep back in around the edges.
“Oh dear,” Mom says, wiping a hand down her face. “I suppose this wedding was a bit hasty, wasn’t it?”
“Maybe a smidge,” I agree with a watery smile, trying to pull myself together. “But Cooper and Cara were right on board with you.”
Dad, Pete, and Linney, too, I realize—because of course.Because they knew.
“It was lucky they agreed so easily,” Mom agrees. “But I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth if it meant I got to be at my baby boy’s wedding.”
The tears start back up. “But you’re supposed to be atmywedding too, Mom,” I choke out. The sobs claw up through my chest.
“I know. I know, love. I want that so much. My whole life, ever since you kids were born, all I’ve lived for is to watch you grow up. And you did such a good job.” She’s crying, too, now. “I know I said it before, but I am so proud of you.”
I crumple into her, and she pats my back as the tears come and keep coming. After a while, the deluge begins to slow, and I pull back. I take a few deeps breaths to try to steady myself.
Mom’s eyes travel around the small cabin—the tidy stacks of tools near the door and the not-so-tidy pile of Nate’s things: the baseball cap tossed on the bed, the protein bar wrapper on the nightstand…the bikini top I’ve spent days looking for, flung on the back of a chair.
For a second, we both just stare at it.
“So, you and Nate, huh?” Mom asks into the silence.
I let out a surprised laugh. Then I throw my face into my hands and groan.
“No, I ruined it.”
“I’ve seen the way that boy looks at you. Whatever’s wrong, you can fix it.” Mom rifles through her purse and produces a tube of mascara and some lipstick. “Let’s see if we can both get put back together.”
We go into the bathroom and stand facing the mirror. In the reflection, I see the lines bracketing Mom’s mouth, the tired circles beneath her eyes. I should’ve known something was going on. Part of me wants to dissolve into tears again, but there will be time for that later. Mom is right that Cooper deserves to have everyone smile on his wedding day.
She turns to me to help me redo my makeup with the few items she has in her matching handbag. And as I let her do my face, I don’t think about all those times she readied me backstage for a competition. Instead, I think ofher, getting ready for a party as a little kid,and Meema bending over her, lovingly brushing her hair, tidying her bow, making sure it was all perfect.
In the end, I look in the mirror, amazed at her quick work. I manage to look less like an angry raccoon and more like my normal self. Though my nose is still red, and my eyes are still puffy.
“Perfect,” I whisper.
“Notperfect,” Mom corrects, “but beautiful.”
33
JP,THELEGTEARSguitarist, plays “Here Comes the Sun” on the acoustic guitar as Cooper and the groomsmen take their place at the front of the ceremony site, and a hush falls over the guests. Linney and I follow, along with Cara’s other bridesmaids, taking our spots in front of the gazebo.
Despite Mom redoing my face, I haven’t stopped crying—not really. Tears still fall softly, slowly blurring the makeup all over again, and I realize it’s okay. It’s okay not to look or be perfect right now. If there’s ever a time to feel everything—the beauty of new beginnings and the passing of the baton from one generation to another—it’s at a wedding.
Especially a wedding like this. One that looks so much like the one I’ve always envisioned for myself.
We turn and position ourselves, watching as Anna Carol comes next, sashaying confidently and sprinkling flower petals down the aisle with a flourish.
“She was born for this,” Linney whispers as a few of the guests clap and give her big smiles.
“Wonder where she possibly got that from?” I whisper back. And through our tears, we both laugh a little.
