“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” I say. She says nothing and pulls herself into me, curling up in my arms, and the fruity, yet salty scent of her hair washes over me.
We lie there for endless moments.
“What happened with the professor?” she asks at some point without looking at me, when I was just about to fall asleep.
“I dunno,” I say.
“Do you?”
“I really don’t know.”
“Doesn’t sound like you don’t know.”
“It’s—“ I hesitate.
“You can tell me,” she says. “Whatever it is. You murder someone, I’ll be your alibi.”
I smile weakly because I didn’t murder someone, but it feels like I’m killing myself.
“She offered me a research position,” I say. “And she somehow figured out I was high. And I kinda ranted at her and—I don’t know. She got under my skin, I believe.”
I somehow feel strange discussing what happened with the girl I’m hooking up with while being in bed with her.
“Is she hot?” asks El in her typical straightforward manner.
“Very,” I say. “Thirty-something, green eyes, full lips and a booty to kill for.”
“Why don’t you try her?”
“El,” I say as another shudder runs down my spine. “She’s a prof. She’s like what? Fifteen years older than me? It would be stupid.”
“You should really give it a try,” she says.
I didn’t answer for a while.
“Why are you pushing me to her?” I ask.
“Because you said you have no idea who you are. And if you don’t know who you are, what better way is there than to try out everything the world has to offer?”
“Hm,” I say silently, because I have nothing better to say to it. It didn’t even occur to me that I could try myself out while I was in bed regularly with someone.
“Wouldn’t you be mad?” I then ask.
El laughs and uncurls to lean her head on her hand.
“Hun, we’re hooking up, I don’t own you. Do what the fuck you want.”
“Are we just hooking up?” I ask because to me, cuddling and practically living together aren’t part of it.
“Sure, we are,” says El. “I don’t do feelings.”
“Why aren’t you?” I ask.
“Have you seen the world? Everyone just gives a fuck about themselves.”
While I do understand her, I narrow my eyes because somehow I feel it’s not everything.
“And the real reason?” I ask.
