She is here.
She got you.
She is here while everyone else left you.
And eventually, my body allows me to drift away.
When I wake, it is dark outside, and El is cuddled up in my arms.
I really shouldn’t.
We shouldn’t.
I know exactly where this will end.
A broken promise to myself.
Hurt feelings.
Tears.
Pain.
And another identity crisis.
I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling, my head throbbing.
Instead of exploring who I am, I am becoming someone else.
Someone for everyone.
There’s the version I am for Jane, the pretend-interested student.
The loaded party girl I pretend to be with El.
After years of being a pretend friend for a girl who knew nothing about her real life and how important she was.
I don’t even know why I do it.
All I ever do is pretend.
But maybe that’s me?
Maybe that’s all I can do, pretend.
But those moments with El?
I feel so alive with her.
I feel like I don’t have to pretend.
That I can just have a life.
I could just be.
And with that, I turn back with my arm wandering around El as I pull myself close to her.
El moves and turns around. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes. Sleepy, but those eyes are beautiful in any form.
