I can’t?—
I don’t?—
“As I said,” she says and gets up. “I don’t do well with authority. I am a mess, and I will bring chaos. It is probably you who should think about it,” she says, turns, and walks away. Leaving me in an emotional thunderstorm I have never been in, because no one ever saw me.
Least of all someone like her.
A nineteen-year-old girl.
A freshman.
Just like I once was.
7
AMELIE
PLAYLIST: GLITTER & GOLD – HENRI WERNER, EHLE
As I walk out of Jane’s office, I feel like I’m burning. Not just burning, but as if I incited an uncontrollable fire behind me whose flames will swallow everything whole.
I walk with flat breaths, almost stumble. Everything is heightened and yet so distant.
It must be the drugs, the alcohol. El and I partied until morning came, and I didn’t sleep a single minute.
My hands are shaking.
Sweat runs down my temples.
I don’t know what is happening to me, why I am even here. I was ready to walk away yesterday. But I couldn’t. It is like I am drawn to her like a moth to flame. A flame that will evaporate me into ashes.
Why did I even open my mouth? I should have shut the fuck up. Should have?—
My heart is racing.
So fast it stumbles over itself.
I press myself against a wall because everything in me feels like I am about to faint.
You gotta get your shit together,I tell myself.You can’t crash out like this.
I close my eyes and breathe.
Slow, controlled breaths.
In and out.
Mind over matter.
But the jittery sensation in me doesn’t go away.
I take my phone and call El.
Please, please answer.
“Yeah?” says El with a croaky and very sleepy voice when she answers.
“Something’s wrong,” I say with a shaky voice.
