“What would you like me to say, your highness? He’s your husband. What can I say?” He won’t look at me.
We’d just finally gotten to a better place and then I go and do this. I grab him. “Please look at me.”
He does but his expression doesn’t hide his hurt. I expected cold indifference, I did not expect to see him reflect as much pain as I feel. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I did it. He kissed me and I kissed him back and I hate myself.”
“Empress, you really don’t need to be telling me this. It’s between you and the Emperor.”
“Don’t do this to me. I’m trying here. It is killing me to see you and not be able to touch you.” I dig my fingers into his arm, desperate to hold on to him.
His eyes catch my movement, but don’t linger there. “You know it’s impossible. Me and you, it was a mistake. There is no way the two of us can be together. You might as well find happiness however you can, even if it’s withhim.” He pulls his arm away from my grip and I let him go.
Tears blur my vision. “You can’t mean that.”
“We lost, they won. They have Anya and my sister. He’s about to get a whole army to back him up. It’s over, Sabina.”
How many times do I have to live through the same heartbreak? It should have killed me by now. This was what I got for falling for someone I shouldn’t have. This was what I got for forgetting why I was here. For thinking there was any possible way that I could be happy.
It was my punishment for abandoning my plans, for putting my feelings for a man above the goals of the rebellion.
I laugh, it’s cold and sharp, then shake my head as I begin to walk. What rebellion? Even that was a set up by a man I fell for.
No more.
Brevan doesn’t say a word as we continue to my room and I don’t say goodbye. My rooms are empty, echoing the feeling in my chest. Gone is the laughter and chatter of my ladies.
Ladies who are fully willing to help me overthrow an empire. I have promises to keep to a goddess. Promises to keep to Anya. To myself.
I collapse onto the floor in the middle of the room, then tuck my knees to my chest. I can’t be trusted. All I’ve done is make one mistake after another.
Somehow, I make myself remove my dress and get into my bed. When someone knocks on my door asking about dinner, I send them away.
I wake gasping and sweaty, need throbbing between my legs. Even though I know it’s another dream, I look over on the other side of my bed. It’s empty. There’s no Brevan even though his touch in my dream felt so real.
Tossing the blankets off, I step out of bed and make my way to the bathing room. After splashing cold water on my face, I’m still overheating.
These dreams have got to stop. I can’t keep doing this. What if Caiden was here?
I tense.
That’s it. That’s why I kissed him back.
I’m starved for affection, constantly dreaming about sex, and deprived of touch.
I pace my room, trying to empty my mind. This didn’t happen after Lee. There was no craving for him. No dreaming about him. No insatiable need to feel his body against mine.
I can’t keep doing this. My body doesn’t understand that being with Brevan is a very, very bad idea. Aside from the people we’re protecting, there’s the fact that he doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want me.
I tell it to myself over and over, but I can’t make myself believe it. Even after what he said to me earlier tonight, why can’t I just get him out of my head? Why can’t I just move on?
I’m at the door, opening it before I can stop and think about the consequences.
Brevan isn’t there. Instead, Nate straightens when he sees me. “Can I help you, your highness?”
“Do you know where the enforcer’s room is?” I ask.
